Robert Mugabe stunned the world last night when he announced that he could be prepared to "walk away from his job tomorrow".
"Power just hasn't turned out the way I wanted. All this genocide, all this raping and pillaging - I'm just not sure about it anymore.
"Recent events have really been difficult for me; for some reason, people resent having me as their leader. I could leave - it would probably be good for my wives."
The Zimbabwean leader also claimed that he "didn't know much" about the plight that has engulfed his country in the last decade.
"I wasn't really sure what was going on, to be honest. Hay-ho; that's life. Or death, as the case may be."
Questioned on his future, Mugabe speculated: "I could become a social worker or a teacher. I'd really love to give something back to society."
Saturday 20 June 2009
Thursday 16 April 2009
Deflation Shock
The world reeled in disbelief last night when it emerged that the media's ability to accurately report economic facts was deflating for the first time in half a century.
News agencies reported that the USA's Press Consistency Index had registered a decline of 19,256,940,333%.
The Truth's economic correspondent Charles le Tan issued the following statement:
"Period of falling prices can be absolutely devastating to the economy.
"On the other hand, so can increasing prices.
"Basically, we're fucked either way."
Charles will be on hand to continue issuing sensationalist warnings without the slightest appreciation of the issues behind them.
News agencies reported that the USA's Press Consistency Index had registered a decline of 19,256,940,333%.
The Truth's economic correspondent Charles le Tan issued the following statement:
"Period of falling prices can be absolutely devastating to the economy.
"On the other hand, so can increasing prices.
"Basically, we're fucked either way."
Charles will be on hand to continue issuing sensationalist warnings without the slightest appreciation of the issues behind them.
Friday 3 April 2009
Historic G20 Agreement
World leaders including US President Barack Obarmy have hailed the results of the recent G20 talks in London.
Several hours of talks concluded with the following radical and dramatic results:
1. The sandwiches were nice
2. All countries agree to the agreement
3. The stable door should be closed now the horse has run out
4. The agreement should be agreed to be upheld by all those who agree
5. Leaders will agree to disagree
It was also confirmed that it had been agreed that the agreed-to agreements would be agreed to.
Gordon Brown made the following comments:
"This agreement..."
That's enough agreement. Ed.
Several hours of talks concluded with the following radical and dramatic results:
1. The sandwiches were nice
2. All countries agree to the agreement
3. The stable door should be closed now the horse has run out
4. The agreement should be agreed to be upheld by all those who agree
5. Leaders will agree to disagree
It was also confirmed that it had been agreed that the agreed-to agreements would be agreed to.
Gordon Brown made the following comments:
"This agreement..."
That's enough agreement. Ed.
Thursday 2 April 2009
What's on the Telescreen
Part of a series of reviews examining the dumbed-down, propagandistic and utterly pathetic nature of what we watch.
The Apprentice - Part 1
The teams have completed today's task and are now in the boardroom for a real grilling with no-nonsense business genius Sir Alan Sugar.
Sir Alan: Right then, mateys.
Chorus: Good evening, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Well, we'll see about that, won't we?!?!?!??? Right then, Margaret, how did Team Win perform?
Margaret: Team Win spent £200 and managed to recoup £278, giving a total profit of £78.
Sir Alan: Not bad! Not bad at all! I'll tell you my first week's pay was 4 quid I didn't start with a silver-spoon in my mouth oh no no no I had to work it all up from scratch and I tell you what it was bloody hard work so that's not to be sniffed at rags to riches that's what they call me even though you probably could have made more if you were working in McDonalds for a day. What about Team Thunderbirds?
Nick: Team Thunderbirds spent £235, 481.47 and recouped 15p, making a net loss of £235,481.32.
Sir Alan: A loss? A LOSS? I tell you what I've never made a loss in my entire life I can't fucking believe this -
*Phone rings*
Sir Alan: Hello? Oh, hello Frances.
Frances: Sir Alan, your company Amstrad has just collapsed.
Sir Alan: Dear me that's no bloody good what do I pay those monkeys for that's the way the cookie crumbles I suppose actually a cookie would be quite nice now and in fact I think a compensatory blowjob would be appropriate here Frances sort one out for me and have it on my desk ready for the end of the day.
Frances: Yes, Sir Alan.
*Puts phone down*
Sir Alan: Bill, you were the team leader for Thunderbirds, would you care to explain this?
Bill: Sir Alan, "loss" is not a word that appears in my dictionary, I assure you.
Sir Alan: Don't give me all that shit you grubby little tosser I tell you what I'm a hard-nosed business genius who knows his arse from his elbow I've been around the block sonny and I know when someone's playing me for a fool and you won't make a fool out of me though I do make a mean apple pie.
Bill: I'm so sorry Sir Alan, I have so much more to offer, you haven't seen the best of me yet, I'll admit when I've made mistakes but I promise I can get back on the right lines-
Sir Alan: It's alright getting back on the right lines but you should be on them in the first place and if you're on the wrong lines a train might just run into you and I'm the train of the business world sonny jim even though I drive a Bentley but anyway now it's time to face the firing line and bring out the firing squad. Margaret, who do you think should be fired?
Margaret: I think Johnny should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Nick, who do you think should be fired?
Nick: I think Julian should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Julian, who do you think should be fired?
Julian: I think Mbwewe should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Mbwewe, who do you think should be fired?
Mbwewe: I think Johnny should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Rover!
*Dog emerges from under desk*
Sir Alan: Rover, who do you think should be fired?
Rover: Arff!! Rarf! Rarf!!!
Sir Alan: Interesting interesting this is a very very tough decision one of the hardest ones I've ever had to take but you take what you get and you get what you give and you give what you get on with it whatever knocks life brings the school of hard knocks is where I grew up but anyway I think the best way to do this is to let mother nature decide she's rarely wrong unlike my mother who used to beat me everyday to increase my strength of character but anyway here goes.
*Takes out die, and rolls it*
Sir Alan: Margaret, your number's up. YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!
The Apprentice - Part 1
The teams have completed today's task and are now in the boardroom for a real grilling with no-nonsense business genius Sir Alan Sugar.
Sir Alan: Right then, mateys.
Chorus: Good evening, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Well, we'll see about that, won't we?!?!?!??? Right then, Margaret, how did Team Win perform?
Margaret: Team Win spent £200 and managed to recoup £278, giving a total profit of £78.
Sir Alan: Not bad! Not bad at all! I'll tell you my first week's pay was 4 quid I didn't start with a silver-spoon in my mouth oh no no no I had to work it all up from scratch and I tell you what it was bloody hard work so that's not to be sniffed at rags to riches that's what they call me even though you probably could have made more if you were working in McDonalds for a day. What about Team Thunderbirds?
Nick: Team Thunderbirds spent £235, 481.47 and recouped 15p, making a net loss of £235,481.32.
Sir Alan: A loss? A LOSS? I tell you what I've never made a loss in my entire life I can't fucking believe this -
*Phone rings*
Sir Alan: Hello? Oh, hello Frances.
Frances: Sir Alan, your company Amstrad has just collapsed.
Sir Alan: Dear me that's no bloody good what do I pay those monkeys for that's the way the cookie crumbles I suppose actually a cookie would be quite nice now and in fact I think a compensatory blowjob would be appropriate here Frances sort one out for me and have it on my desk ready for the end of the day.
Frances: Yes, Sir Alan.
*Puts phone down*
Sir Alan: Bill, you were the team leader for Thunderbirds, would you care to explain this?
Bill: Sir Alan, "loss" is not a word that appears in my dictionary, I assure you.
Sir Alan: Don't give me all that shit you grubby little tosser I tell you what I'm a hard-nosed business genius who knows his arse from his elbow I've been around the block sonny and I know when someone's playing me for a fool and you won't make a fool out of me though I do make a mean apple pie.
Bill: I'm so sorry Sir Alan, I have so much more to offer, you haven't seen the best of me yet, I'll admit when I've made mistakes but I promise I can get back on the right lines-
Sir Alan: It's alright getting back on the right lines but you should be on them in the first place and if you're on the wrong lines a train might just run into you and I'm the train of the business world sonny jim even though I drive a Bentley but anyway now it's time to face the firing line and bring out the firing squad. Margaret, who do you think should be fired?
Margaret: I think Johnny should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Nick, who do you think should be fired?
Nick: I think Julian should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Julian, who do you think should be fired?
Julian: I think Mbwewe should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Mbwewe, who do you think should be fired?
Mbwewe: I think Johnny should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Rover!
*Dog emerges from under desk*
Sir Alan: Rover, who do you think should be fired?
Rover: Arff!! Rarf! Rarf!!!
Sir Alan: Interesting interesting this is a very very tough decision one of the hardest ones I've ever had to take but you take what you get and you get what you give and you give what you get on with it whatever knocks life brings the school of hard knocks is where I grew up but anyway I think the best way to do this is to let mother nature decide she's rarely wrong unlike my mother who used to beat me everyday to increase my strength of character but anyway here goes.
*Takes out die, and rolls it*
Sir Alan: Margaret, your number's up. YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!
Saturday 28 March 2009
No Shit, Sherlock
"Watson..." Sherlock whispered, a sharp chill running up his spine, "I think I've just had an awful realisation."
Something terrible had dawned upon him; for his thitherto radiant countenance had been subdued and drained of colour, and his voice trembled with dread. He was pacing back and forth, mumbling under his breath - the room had turn icy-cold; and every word Sherlock uttered forth emanated in a cloud of dank vapour.
"What is it, Sir?" enquired Watson.
"Watson - it's GCSE Science. I've been taking a look at the documents... Writing poetry to MPs; swallowing propaganda about Global Warming: I've got a terrible feeling this isn't rigorous." He drew in a deep breath, and mustered all the courage in his soul. "Watson - I think GCSE Science has been dumbed down."
"Sir - it can't be true! Tell me it's not true, sir; tell me it's not true!!"
Sherlock grabbed him by the shoulders. "Pull yourself together man! You must stay strong." He shivered with alarm. "They must not know about this - this will tear the nation in two - this kind of revelation - there'll be riots on the streets - people just will not believe it!"
Watson was crippled with incredulity. "No. No. It just can't be true. I won't accept it."
"Watson! This is our chance to stand as men. Faced with the Absurd, the despair, the bottomless pit of doom, we must stand and be counted. Yes, GCSE Science has lost its value; yes, this might mean the end of the world as we know it. But let one thing be remembered: the world will know that few stood against many; this day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny and usher in a future brighter than anything we can imagine. " He stood up, straightened, resolved.
"TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL!!!!!!!"
Something terrible had dawned upon him; for his thitherto radiant countenance had been subdued and drained of colour, and his voice trembled with dread. He was pacing back and forth, mumbling under his breath - the room had turn icy-cold; and every word Sherlock uttered forth emanated in a cloud of dank vapour.
"What is it, Sir?" enquired Watson.
"Watson - it's GCSE Science. I've been taking a look at the documents... Writing poetry to MPs; swallowing propaganda about Global Warming: I've got a terrible feeling this isn't rigorous." He drew in a deep breath, and mustered all the courage in his soul. "Watson - I think GCSE Science has been dumbed down."
"Sir - it can't be true! Tell me it's not true, sir; tell me it's not true!!"
Sherlock grabbed him by the shoulders. "Pull yourself together man! You must stay strong." He shivered with alarm. "They must not know about this - this will tear the nation in two - this kind of revelation - there'll be riots on the streets - people just will not believe it!"
Watson was crippled with incredulity. "No. No. It just can't be true. I won't accept it."
"Watson! This is our chance to stand as men. Faced with the Absurd, the despair, the bottomless pit of doom, we must stand and be counted. Yes, GCSE Science has lost its value; yes, this might mean the end of the world as we know it. But let one thing be remembered: the world will know that few stood against many; this day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny and usher in a future brighter than anything we can imagine. " He stood up, straightened, resolved.
"TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL!!!!!!!"
Thursday 26 March 2009
Abortion Adverts
The Truth is delighted to confirm that several of the new abortion advertisements will be placed in the newspaper in the next few days. Samples can be found below.
Trying to win your town's slag of the year prize, but pregnancies getting in your way?
Tired with condoms spoiling your sexual experience, or too lazy and cheap to take the pill?
The Baby Buster from JML is just the ticket!!! Simply insert the specially crafted rusty hook into your womb and dismember the growing life at your convenience. Dispose of that irritating infant with ease. Discounts available for twins or multiple terminations!!!
Special aftercare is also available from our specially trained experts, such as Mr. C Hook, pictured here!
Trying to win your town's slag of the year prize, but pregnancies getting in your way?
Tired with condoms spoiling your sexual experience, or too lazy and cheap to take the pill?
The Baby Buster from JML is just the ticket!!! Simply insert the specially crafted rusty hook into your womb and dismember the growing life at your convenience. Dispose of that irritating infant with ease. Discounts available for twins or multiple terminations!!!
And now: do away with that screaming foetus with the all-new Baby Bin, also from JML!! Operating on a 10 million RPM shredding capacity, the Baby Bin will turn that annoying child into a mound of congealed goo in seconds!!
Special aftercare is also available from our specially trained experts, such as Mr. C Hook, pictured here!
Sunday 22 March 2009
Comment: An Apology
The Truth would like to apologise for the insensitivity of its coverage of the career of Jade Goody.
Headlines such as "Burn in Hell you racist bitch" and "Goody to be buried at sea ... after we finish pissing on her grave, that is" may have given the impression that her public demeanour was in the slightest reprehensible.
We unreservedly regret these unfounded and overzealous comments, and offer our most groveling condolences to Jade's boys, and also to her sons.
Jade Goody has made a profound and admirable contribution to the public good, including manifold instances of vitriolic bigotry and numerous sleazy dance videos. She has also been a prolific actress, starring in wondrous productions such as "Jabe: Pig in the City".
We wish Jade's family all the best after such a tragic loss as they continue to count their millions.
In other news: 24,000 people died of hunger today.
(On a decidedly less satirical note, I'd actually like to offer a genuine apology for my lack of posting this month. I aim to post 2-3 times every week; but an increasingly busy schedule has temporarily derailed this ambition. Sorry!)
Headlines such as "Burn in Hell you racist bitch" and "Goody to be buried at sea ... after we finish pissing on her grave, that is" may have given the impression that her public demeanour was in the slightest reprehensible.
We unreservedly regret these unfounded and overzealous comments, and offer our most groveling condolences to Jade's boys, and also to her sons.
Jade Goody has made a profound and admirable contribution to the public good, including manifold instances of vitriolic bigotry and numerous sleazy dance videos. She has also been a prolific actress, starring in wondrous productions such as "Jabe: Pig in the City".
We wish Jade's family all the best after such a tragic loss as they continue to count their millions.
In other news: 24,000 people died of hunger today.
(On a decidedly less satirical note, I'd actually like to offer a genuine apology for my lack of posting this month. I aim to post 2-3 times every week; but an increasingly busy schedule has temporarily derailed this ambition. Sorry!)
Sunday 8 March 2009
Antrim Shootings Condemned
Prime Minister Gordon Brown has vociferously condemned shootings by dissident Republicans in Northern Ireland in which two British soldiers were killed.
The incident took place outside Massereene barracks in co. Antrim at around 9.30pm on Saturday evening.
The PM said the following:
"I'm outraged by the cowardly killing of these two young men who had their whole career of raping and pillaging in Iraq to look forward to.
"This was an example of ruthlessly cold-blooded murder, which is, of course, morally distinct from the Army's heroic practice in the War on Terror.
"Anyway, I'm off to meet Nelson Mandela."
Martin McGuiness MP also spoke out against the perpetrators, saying:
"I don't support the IRA anymore . . . I'm just a Sinn Fein representative.
"Violence is, like, totally last season, brothers."
The incident took place outside Massereene barracks in co. Antrim at around 9.30pm on Saturday evening.
The PM said the following:
"I'm outraged by the cowardly killing of these two young men who had their whole career of raping and pillaging in Iraq to look forward to.
"This was an example of ruthlessly cold-blooded murder, which is, of course, morally distinct from the Army's heroic practice in the War on Terror.
"Anyway, I'm off to meet Nelson Mandela."
Martin McGuiness MP also spoke out against the perpetrators, saying:
"I don't support the IRA anymore . . . I'm just a Sinn Fein representative.
"Violence is, like, totally last season, brothers."
Saturday 28 February 2009
What's on the Telescreen
Part of a series of reviews, examining the dumbed-down, propagandistic and utterly pathetic nature of what we watch.
University Challenge
transcripted by our correspondent Ellie Tist
Jeremy Pantsman: Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of the not inconsiderably considerable contest between two privelegèd educational institutions, Corpus Christi College, Oxford and Manchester University. I, of course, will be representing the University of Life. AHAAAA!
*BA-DOOM-DOOM-CHINK!*
*Sycophantic applause*
Pantsman: Representing Corpus Christi College tonight we have...
Tottington-Smythe: I'm Jeremiah von Tottington-Smythe and I'm reading Prole Studies.
Braithwaite-Primrose: I'm Beatrice Braithwaite-Primrose and I'm reading Classism.
Twitterson-Forsythe: I'm Camilla Twitterson-Forsythe and I'm reading Snobbery.
Pantsman: And their team captain...
Trimble: err..ahh..Gaila Trimbula sum et callidissimma.. hahaa! tee-hee!
Pantsman: And representing Manchester University tonight we have...
Johnson: I'm Frankie J-
Pantsman: That's enough of your not inconsiderably silly accent. Starter for 10. What am I thinking of right now?
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tremble: Pants?
Pantsman: That's correct, yes. Your bonuses are on the thoughts of famous idiots. Who likes pants?
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trimble: You?
Pantsman: Correct. (under breath) Who made these bloody questions up? This is not inconsiderably disappointing. Another starter question: What is my favourite type of pants?
Master Bates: Manchester Giggler!
Giggler: Extra Extra Extra Small? AHAHAAHAHAHAHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pantsman: Piddle off back to your shack, you little peasant.
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trimble: Erm...
Pantsman: Answer the bloody question!
Trimble: Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
Pantsman: Incorrect! Women, eh?
*GONG*
Pantsman: And at the end of the game Corpus Christi College have 9 zillion points and Manchester have -5.
[transcript ends]
University Challenge
transcripted by our correspondent Ellie Tist
Jeremy Pantsman: Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of the not inconsiderably considerable contest between two privelegèd educational institutions, Corpus Christi College, Oxford and Manchester University. I, of course, will be representing the University of Life. AHAAAA!
*BA-DOOM-DOOM-CHINK!*
*Sycophantic applause*
Pantsman: Representing Corpus Christi College tonight we have...
Tottington-Smythe: I'm Jeremiah von Tottington-Smythe and I'm reading Prole Studies.
Braithwaite-Primrose: I'm Beatrice Braithwaite-Primrose and I'm reading Classism.
Twitterson-Forsythe: I'm Camilla Twitterson-Forsythe and I'm reading Snobbery.
Pantsman: And their team captain...
Trimble: err..ahh..Gaila Trimbula sum et callidissimma.. hahaa! tee-hee!
Pantsman: And representing Manchester University tonight we have...
Johnson: I'm Frankie J-
Pantsman: That's enough of your not inconsiderably silly accent. Starter for 10. What am I thinking of right now?
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tremble: Pants?
Pantsman: That's correct, yes. Your bonuses are on the thoughts of famous idiots. Who likes pants?
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trimble: You?
Pantsman: Correct. (under breath) Who made these bloody questions up? This is not inconsiderably disappointing. Another starter question: What is my favourite type of pants?
Master Bates: Manchester Giggler!
Giggler: Extra Extra Extra Small? AHAHAAHAHAHAHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pantsman: Piddle off back to your shack, you little peasant.
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trimble: Erm...
Pantsman: Answer the bloody question!
Trimble: Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
Pantsman: Incorrect! Women, eh?
*GONG*
Pantsman: And at the end of the game Corpus Christi College have 9 zillion points and Manchester have -5.
[transcript ends]
Friday 27 February 2009
How Withdrawal Works
Withdraw your Army in nine easy steps with Barack Obarmy!!!!!!!!!
Step 1. Suck relevant country dry for oil profits.
Step 2. Install sympathetic dictator and claim democratic victory.
Step 3. Make emotional speech including celebratory gunshots using following words in random order: love, hope, unity, peace, change, humanity, responsibility, kindness etc.
Step 4. Claim invasion has succeeded in establishing peace amidst background of mass-murder, racketeering and destruction.
Step 5. Bring 50,000 troops all the way home to Afghanistan.
Step 6. Leave remaining troops in "non-combat" combat roles.
Step 7. Leave all military bases, technologies, advisors, mercenaries and contractors in country.
Step 8. Sit back and admire newfound peace in Middle-East.
Step 9. Invade Iran.
Step 1. Suck relevant country dry for oil profits.
Step 2. Install sympathetic dictator and claim democratic victory.
Step 3. Make emotional speech including celebratory gunshots using following words in random order: love, hope, unity, peace, change, humanity, responsibility, kindness etc.
Step 4. Claim invasion has succeeded in establishing peace amidst background of mass-murder, racketeering and destruction.
Step 5. Bring 50,000 troops all the way home to Afghanistan.
Step 6. Leave remaining troops in "non-combat" combat roles.
Step 7. Leave all military bases, technologies, advisors, mercenaries and contractors in country.
Step 8. Sit back and admire newfound peace in Middle-East.
Step 9. Invade Iran.
Tuesday 24 February 2009
Equality Achievement by the Ministry of Freedom
The Ministry for Freedom announced Thursday a triumph in the realm of international equality as both American and Dutch varieties of Repellent Tit were successfully banned from entering the United Kingdom.
“The Repellent Tit”, says expert Dr Brian Smithson, “is something of an ecological curiosity; despite no rational person agreeing with its views it nevertheless has gained a strong hold over large parts of the world, including a small but growing colony right here in the UK. It is thought to survive by being so outrageous that its competitors ignore it completely, allowing it to fester. Evolutionarily they are somewhere between the common and harmless Blue Tit and Adolf Hitler.”
When it was realised just over a week ago that a particularly hardened variety of the Dutch Repellent Tit was heading to England, action was immediately taken. “It’s imperative for the integrity of the breeding population of English Repellent Tit that foreign Tits are prevented from corrupting them, so we quickly took steps to make sure this invasion was stopped at the border,” says border controller Mr Percy Callow.
It is no secret that the offices of rival publication the Daily Mail host one of the country’s largest colonies of English Repellent Tit, but perhaps surprisingly they themselves did not object to this influx. “We wanted to have them over. Not for long, mind, we might catch something, but we’re all the same sort really.”
However, the story took a sudden turn on Thursday when it emerged that we were facing an imminent migration of American Repellent Tit, attracted to the country by local high levels of tolerance and respect, which the Repellent Tit is said to be able to recognise thousands of miles off, and which activates a frenzied behaviour similar to swarming in African Killer Bees.
Dr Smithson: “There is little difference in varieties of Tit around the world, but it is common knowledge in the field that the American varieties are perhaps a little stranger than others, possibly due to isolation from the original parent colony.”
Despite some saying that the Tits should have been allowed into the country, citing theories that interaction allows improvement and that rejection of foreign colonies is itself a trait of the Repellent Tit, it was agreed that these people are clearly fools.
The American Tits were banned from entering the country, although it is thought that a few may have slipped through. If you encounter any, please do not try to touch it, but instead contact the RSPFS who will send a trained professional in full protective equipment, to avoid any risk of encountering foreign views.
Genius Asked for Nuts Photoshoot
The leading Men's Magazine Nuts has invited the corpse of Albert Einstein to star in a saucy photoshoot.
Miss. O'Gynist, the head of recruitment at Nuts, said the following:
"Nowadays, genius is a real turn-on for the depraved audiences we pander to. As such, explicit pictures of Einstein's dead body will feature in our newest issue.
"Degrading very clever people into vulgar sex objects satisfies our only supreme moral belief here at Nuts: the greater the shameless humiliation and exploitation, the better.
"But don't worry; it'll be tasteful necrophilia only."
Speaking from its inertial reference frame, Einstein's corpse responded describing itself as "flattered" but had politely declined the offer.
Miss. O'Gynist, the head of recruitment at Nuts, said the following:
"Nowadays, genius is a real turn-on for the depraved audiences we pander to. As such, explicit pictures of Einstein's dead body will feature in our newest issue.
"Degrading very clever people into vulgar sex objects satisfies our only supreme moral belief here at Nuts: the greater the shameless humiliation and exploitation, the better.
"But don't worry; it'll be tasteful necrophilia only."
Speaking from its inertial reference frame, Einstein's corpse responded describing itself as "flattered" but had politely declined the offer.
Wednesday 18 February 2009
Starbucks Apologises to Mandelson
The US Coffee chain Starbucks has apologised to "Lord" Mandelson for remarking about the dismal state of the UK economy.
Howard Schultz, the company's chariman, suggested that the economy was heading for a "downward spiral".
He released the following statement:
"It was clearly insensitive of me to suggest that the country faces the slightest possibility of any kind of downturn.
"My comments are clearly at odds with the facts. Britain is well-positioned to continue a solid period of steady, controlled growth with minimal inflation and gradually increasing employment.
"Attacking the government was foolish, especially at a time when our company will soon be grovelling for billions of pounds of taxpayers' money to bail ourselves out of the consumerist train-wreck that we have made of the coffee industry.
"I would like to reassure "Lord" Mandelson that my ritual cock-sucking and sycophancy will continue as long as he promises to keep turning a blind eye to the protracted demolition of independent coffee-shop culture over which I have gleefully presided."
Howard Schultz, the company's chariman, suggested that the economy was heading for a "downward spiral".
He released the following statement:
"It was clearly insensitive of me to suggest that the country faces the slightest possibility of any kind of downturn.
"My comments are clearly at odds with the facts. Britain is well-positioned to continue a solid period of steady, controlled growth with minimal inflation and gradually increasing employment.
"Attacking the government was foolish, especially at a time when our company will soon be grovelling for billions of pounds of taxpayers' money to bail ourselves out of the consumerist train-wreck that we have made of the coffee industry.
"I would like to reassure "Lord" Mandelson that my ritual cock-sucking and sycophancy will continue as long as he promises to keep turning a blind eye to the protracted demolition of independent coffee-shop culture over which I have gleefully presided."
Saturday 14 February 2009
What's on the Telescreen
The first in a series of reviews, examining the dumbed-down, propagandistic and utterly pathetic nature of what we watch.
"All good things must come to an end." This maxim certainly holds for the all-too-brief period of absence for TV's favourite shister duo, Ant 'n' Dec. They've returned with fresh vim for another series of the abominable charade that is Saturday Night Takeaway, with the same shameless disingenuity that characterises all of their broadcasting antics.
Ant 'n' Dec, freshly plucked from the Ninth Ring of Hell to delight us with their inane banter and cringeworthy puns, were undoubtedly the show's most soiling factors. The two have the about as much combined personality as a tombstone. You could almost see the $$$ signs revolving in their eyes as they dangled before the cameras the symbols of a consumerist society, like a couple of classic cretins put in place purely for the purpose of subduing the proletariat for another week.
It shows you how sick the industry really is: that racket at ITV pay millions for this pair of wholly unfunny divs, whilst the sycophants at the Comedy Awards shower them with booby prizes for their supposed "genius".
But even without that pair of pricks presenting it, the show itself is entirely intellectually
lifeless. Its claim to fame is to round up a serially shouty audience, select a few meandering losers therefrom and record the ensuing humiliation on stage for such outstanding prizes as ... er, nappies.This week was no different; we were treated to appearances by the spoiled bitch of the Century - Paris Hilton - and the screeching Smiley Myrus. Apparently she's only 16: they might as well have brought out a lamb to the slaughter.
Frankly, broadcasting an orgy of projectile vomiting would have been less sickening. Hopefully, they'll do a Jade before the next plodding episode.
"All good things must come to an end." This maxim certainly holds for the all-too-brief period of absence for TV's favourite shister duo, Ant 'n' Dec. They've returned with fresh vim for another series of the abominable charade that is Saturday Night Takeaway, with the same shameless disingenuity that characterises all of their broadcasting antics.
Ant 'n' Dec, freshly plucked from the Ninth Ring of Hell to delight us with their inane banter and cringeworthy puns, were undoubtedly the show's most soiling factors. The two have the about as much combined personality as a tombstone. You could almost see the $$$ signs revolving in their eyes as they dangled before the cameras the symbols of a consumerist society, like a couple of classic cretins put in place purely for the purpose of subduing the proletariat for another week.
It shows you how sick the industry really is: that racket at ITV pay millions for this pair of wholly unfunny divs, whilst the sycophants at the Comedy Awards shower them with booby prizes for their supposed "genius".
But even without that pair of pricks presenting it, the show itself is entirely intellectually
lifeless. Its claim to fame is to round up a serially shouty audience, select a few meandering losers therefrom and record the ensuing humiliation on stage for such outstanding prizes as ... er, nappies.This week was no different; we were treated to appearances by the spoiled bitch of the Century - Paris Hilton - and the screeching Smiley Myrus. Apparently she's only 16: they might as well have brought out a lamb to the slaughter.Frankly, broadcasting an orgy of projectile vomiting would have been less sickening. Hopefully, they'll do a Jade before the next plodding episode.
Sunday 8 February 2009
Jade Cancer Shock
Health officials today issued a warning over the rampant cancer colloquially referred to as "Jade".
In a detailed report, Jade was declared a highly infectious and dangerous disease.
A Health Department adviser commented:
"Jade is spreading fast, and poses a serious risk to the mental health of the population.
"The virus is beginning to gnaw away at the fragmented carcass of press integrity, and has infected over 15 billion column inches this week alone.
"Even visual contact with Jade has been observed to induce symptoms of disgust, including severe vomiting.
"We advise that the public exempt themselves fully from possible exposure with Jade."
A representative for Jade issued the following statement:
"Honk-honk."
In a detailed report, Jade was declared a highly infectious and dangerous disease.
A Health Department adviser commented:
"Jade is spreading fast, and poses a serious risk to the mental health of the population.
"The virus is beginning to gnaw away at the fragmented carcass of press integrity, and has infected over 15 billion column inches this week alone.
"Even visual contact with Jade has been observed to induce symptoms of disgust, including severe vomiting.
"We advise that the public exempt themselves fully from possible exposure with Jade."
A representative for Jade issued the following statement:
"Honk-honk."
Monday 26 January 2009
BBC "stands firm" over Gaza
The BBC has confirmed that it will not be broadcasting the charity appeal for aid in Gaza this evening.
Amidst fears that showing the message would compromise the corporation's objectivity, the director general Mark Thompson announced that the BBC would not be following the lead of Channel 4, ITV and Five.
"You see, it would be partial of the BBC to say anything that portrays Israel as anything other than a shining bastion of peace and justice.
"It's crucial that the BBC fulfills its loyal role as a propaganda arm of the government.
"When Gordon selected me for this job, he did so on the grounds that I would not show anything that may usurp the foreign policy goals of his allies.
"It would therefore be unfair to suggest that dying Palestinians are worth anything and should be helped."
Amidst fears that showing the message would compromise the corporation's objectivity, the director general Mark Thompson announced that the BBC would not be following the lead of Channel 4, ITV and Five.
"You see, it would be partial of the BBC to say anything that portrays Israel as anything other than a shining bastion of peace and justice.
"It's crucial that the BBC fulfills its loyal role as a propaganda arm of the government.
"When Gordon selected me for this job, he did so on the grounds that I would not show anything that may usurp the foreign policy goals of his allies.
"It would therefore be unfair to suggest that dying Palestinians are worth anything and should be helped."
Tuesday 20 January 2009
Obama Deified
Billions of people watched in awe today as Barack Obarmy was officially made a God.
Thousands of sheep breathlessly attended the ceremony at the Ministry of Abstract Nouns in Washington's National Mall, where Obarmy gave an emotional speech to mark his elevation to immortal status.
Guests to the event ranged from Obarmy's family including his two daughters, Hope and Change, and celebrities such as Jesus Christ and Zeus.
During Obarmy's speech, guests were delighted as the clouds of heav'n parted and a snow-white dove low'd down from the sky.
As he took his oath, the Lincoln Memorial was shaken to its foundations as the statue of Abraham Lincoln came to life to congratulate Obarmy on his superhuman status.
The deification process itself happened after the ritual sacrifice of Democracy, Peace and Justice at the altar of Capitalism, to the satisfaction of Obarmy's benefactors from Financial institutions.
The Holy Spirit also expressed its content at the affair, describing itself as "well pleased".
As Obarmy was elevated into the ethereal realms, moderate rains suddenly broke out in Saharan Africa, and desolate farm lands sprouted with the finest produce. Farmers rejoiced and affirmed that world starvation was at an end.
Further, Palestinians and Israelis crossed the Occupied Territories to embrace each other and agree an eternal peace deal, pledging to never again resort to violent dispute.
Even more miraculously, scientists working on the cure for cancer, AIDS and Malaria reported that they had discovered reliable and effective cures to all three diseases, and that worldwide plague would soon be eradicated.
Obarmy's exit was marked with the historic conclusion: "God bless us, every one*!"
(Except the poor, and those who oppose American hegemony.)
Thousands of sheep breathlessly attended the ceremony at the Ministry of Abstract Nouns in Washington's National Mall, where Obarmy gave an emotional speech to mark his elevation to immortal status.
Guests to the event ranged from Obarmy's family including his two daughters, Hope and Change, and celebrities such as Jesus Christ and Zeus.
During Obarmy's speech, guests were delighted as the clouds of heav'n parted and a snow-white dove low'd down from the sky.
As he took his oath, the Lincoln Memorial was shaken to its foundations as the statue of Abraham Lincoln came to life to congratulate Obarmy on his superhuman status.
The deification process itself happened after the ritual sacrifice of Democracy, Peace and Justice at the altar of Capitalism, to the satisfaction of Obarmy's benefactors from Financial institutions.
The Holy Spirit also expressed its content at the affair, describing itself as "well pleased".
As Obarmy was elevated into the ethereal realms, moderate rains suddenly broke out in Saharan Africa, and desolate farm lands sprouted with the finest produce. Farmers rejoiced and affirmed that world starvation was at an end.
Further, Palestinians and Israelis crossed the Occupied Territories to embrace each other and agree an eternal peace deal, pledging to never again resort to violent dispute.
Even more miraculously, scientists working on the cure for cancer, AIDS and Malaria reported that they had discovered reliable and effective cures to all three diseases, and that worldwide plague would soon be eradicated.
Obarmy's exit was marked with the historic conclusion: "God bless us, every one*!"
(Except the poor, and those who oppose American hegemony.)
Monday 19 January 2009
ecce homo, imperator Americae
Tomorrow a Man
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
Alone in the centre, there he will command
All that all survey; nations will bow
Before his accession to the largest land
On the next, triumphal, day.
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
And he will inspire through his face
And his land; and people, cheering, wonder how
They felt it meant something, someone’s place
And the suffering will leave us like sand.
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
But if you will cut him, red blood will pour out
From a man, not a moral. And although looking now
Shows a triumph of truth, the crowds as they shout
Enclose a real person, fast eroding, like coral.
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
Only one in six billion will be there that day
But give time! For the life of a man is a bough
Of a tree that will grow; if it’s good, past the play-
Acting here, past the mime,
If our children still love him when it’s no longer now –
But tomorrow, a man will stand and vow.
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
Alone in the centre, there he will command
All that all survey; nations will bow
Before his accession to the largest land
On the next, triumphal, day.
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
And he will inspire through his face
And his land; and people, cheering, wonder how
They felt it meant something, someone’s place
And the suffering will leave us like sand.
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
But if you will cut him, red blood will pour out
From a man, not a moral. And although looking now
Shows a triumph of truth, the crowds as they shout
Enclose a real person, fast eroding, like coral.
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
Only one in six billion will be there that day
But give time! For the life of a man is a bough
Of a tree that will grow; if it’s good, past the play-
Acting here, past the mime,
If our children still love him when it’s no longer now –
But tomorrow, a man will stand and vow.
Monday 12 January 2009
Harry in Racist Slur
Harry Hill has provoked outrage last night after it emerged that he had made racist comments to an Asian counterpart whilst training for Army duty.
In a video that has been examined by the press, the comedian refers to the soldier as a "raghead" and a "Paki".
An Army spokesperson condemned the act, saying:
"All soldiers should show respect for other races while they go and bomb countries to shreds in the name of British supremacy.
"This remark could cause grave offense to the millions that live in Asia. Those that are still alive after we've ravaged their lands, that is.
"The Prince should be a bastion for tolerance and justice - he can't just go around causing race relations disasters. That's our job."
Hill said of his actions:
"You're forgetting - I'm a total joke! It's my job to be hilariously incompetent.
"Don't expect me to behave responsibly - I'm totally out of touch. It's the role I've been born into!
"I make a laughing stock of myself, and the papers lap it up - and it's all at your expense! What lark!"
In a video that has been examined by the press, the comedian refers to the soldier as a "raghead" and a "Paki".
An Army spokesperson condemned the act, saying:
"All soldiers should show respect for other races while they go and bomb countries to shreds in the name of British supremacy.
"This remark could cause grave offense to the millions that live in Asia. Those that are still alive after we've ravaged their lands, that is.
"The Prince should be a bastion for tolerance and justice - he can't just go around causing race relations disasters. That's our job."
Hill said of his actions:
"You're forgetting - I'm a total joke! It's my job to be hilariously incompetent.
"Don't expect me to behave responsibly - I'm totally out of touch. It's the role I've been born into!
"I make a laughing stock of myself, and the papers lap it up - and it's all at your expense! What lark!"
Wednesday 7 January 2009
M&S Boss: "I won't take pay rise"
In a remarkable act of self-sacrifice, the CEO of Marks and Spencer, Sir Stuart Rose, confirmed that he would not be accepting a bonus or pay rise this year.
The TRUTH's Business Correspondent, reporting from inside the pocket of the Director, was told:
"I will certainly not be receiving a pay rise this year - my salary will remain at a reasonable 9-figure level."
Questioned on his motives for his martyrdom, he replied:
"I want all M&S employees to know this organisation is thoroughly a level playing-field.
"If business leaders including myself totally fuck up the market, and you all lose your jobs and starve to death, rest assured that I'll have to postpone my plans for a new beach mansion in the Bahamas all the way to next year.
"That's right: everybody will be making sacrifices - I'll only be able to buy my wife one luxury yacht for her birthday.
"It's right that the whole of this company takes the fall for my errors, even if it includes me."
The TRUTH's Business Correspondent, reporting from inside the pocket of the Director, was told:
"I will certainly not be receiving a pay rise this year - my salary will remain at a reasonable 9-figure level."
Questioned on his motives for his martyrdom, he replied:
"I want all M&S employees to know this organisation is thoroughly a level playing-field.
"If business leaders including myself totally fuck up the market, and you all lose your jobs and starve to death, rest assured that I'll have to postpone my plans for a new beach mansion in the Bahamas all the way to next year.
"That's right: everybody will be making sacrifices - I'll only be able to buy my wife one luxury yacht for her birthday.
"It's right that the whole of this company takes the fall for my errors, even if it includes me."
Sunday 4 January 2009
This Really is Big Brother
Yes, it's that time of year again. The insidious spectre of Celebrity Big Brother has dawned upon us, and so we duly wheel out a bunch of Z-list, money-hungry wannabes to degrade themselves for their latest publicity fix.
That's right: we'll have to endure another three weeks of press about the pseudo-social-experiment fronted by a selection of inarticulate goons such as the faceless shit-for-brains Davina McCall and numerous other yes-men to present the show's even sicker sister, Big Brother's Big Mouth.
As broadcasting antitheses go, it's one of the most ironic; Channel 4 has yet again proven its ability to go from the sublime to the ridiculous. A mere few days separated the honourable televising of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Christmas message, which certainly defies the usually indefatigable media bias over Iran, and this worryingly twisted charade, which would probably even manage to depoliticise Chomsky's skull.
The other irony is the show's Orwellian theme. The programme takes the role of a dictatorship, with uniformly-voiced cretins neck deep in mauvais foi as they deliberately recite commands to feign the running of a mini-autocracy.
But they're not just pretending. This show is part of an autocracy, and it's called British society. We're swallowing propaganda every night from 10-11 at a time when we should be paying attention to the real news more than ever, with the economy and two of our overseas wars teetering on the brink (not to mention the rest of the world). The timing couldn't be more convenient - for the government, who've doubtless wined-and-dined a number of C4 leaders to exactly that end (I'm trusting the Private Eye will confirm my suspicions and cover this in eyeTV next issue).
It gets worse. The directors of Big Brother can sport another badge of depravity this series, having roped in the less-than-3-foot-tall actor Verne Troyer, just to add to the freakshow atmosphere. He tries in vain to be seen for what he is - a normal person - whilst the cameras point down at him alone inordinately, as if he's some sort of circus-act.
As for the contestants themselves, including plastic-faced whore Ulrika Jonsson, the fiery Solidarity Party leader Tommy Sheridan - perhaps the show's one facet of political realism - and many other no-hopers, they'd pay to watch the Ricky Gervais' rant on their performance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-LDAjb-ZVs).
That's right: we'll have to endure another three weeks of press about the pseudo-social-experiment fronted by a selection of inarticulate goons such as the faceless shit-for-brains Davina McCall and numerous other yes-men to present the show's even sicker sister, Big Brother's Big Mouth.
As broadcasting antitheses go, it's one of the most ironic; Channel 4 has yet again proven its ability to go from the sublime to the ridiculous. A mere few days separated the honourable televising of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Christmas message, which certainly defies the usually indefatigable media bias over Iran, and this worryingly twisted charade, which would probably even manage to depoliticise Chomsky's skull.
The other irony is the show's Orwellian theme. The programme takes the role of a dictatorship, with uniformly-voiced cretins neck deep in mauvais foi as they deliberately recite commands to feign the running of a mini-autocracy.
But they're not just pretending. This show is part of an autocracy, and it's called British society. We're swallowing propaganda every night from 10-11 at a time when we should be paying attention to the real news more than ever, with the economy and two of our overseas wars teetering on the brink (not to mention the rest of the world). The timing couldn't be more convenient - for the government, who've doubtless wined-and-dined a number of C4 leaders to exactly that end (I'm trusting the Private Eye will confirm my suspicions and cover this in eyeTV next issue).
It gets worse. The directors of Big Brother can sport another badge of depravity this series, having roped in the less-than-3-foot-tall actor Verne Troyer, just to add to the freakshow atmosphere. He tries in vain to be seen for what he is - a normal person - whilst the cameras point down at him alone inordinately, as if he's some sort of circus-act.
As for the contestants themselves, including plastic-faced whore Ulrika Jonsson, the fiery Solidarity Party leader Tommy Sheridan - perhaps the show's one facet of political realism - and many other no-hopers, they'd pay to watch the Ricky Gervais' rant on their performance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-LDAjb-ZVs).
Interest Rates to Hit Record Low
A Bank of England spokesperson confirmed last night that the extent to which the banking system was working in the public interest was at an all-time low.
The message was given amidst widespread speculation that Mervyn King will announce another drop in interest rates this week.
"It's official. We bankers just do not give a shit about anything other than lining their own pockets.
"If we keep our interest nice and low then maybe the problem will fix itself.
"The most important thing is that everybody stays calm, and doesn't demand ridiculous and rash measures like better financial regulation.
"The public can rest assured that while they lose their jobs and homes and their family starves on the street, our bonuses will remain absolutely untouched."
The message was given amidst widespread speculation that Mervyn King will announce another drop in interest rates this week.
"It's official. We bankers just do not give a shit about anything other than lining their own pockets.
"If we keep our interest nice and low then maybe the problem will fix itself.
"The most important thing is that everybody stays calm, and doesn't demand ridiculous and rash measures like better financial regulation.
"The public can rest assured that while they lose their jobs and homes and their family starves on the street, our bonuses will remain absolutely untouched."
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