The Ministry for Freedom announced Thursday a triumph in the realm of international equality as both American and Dutch varieties of Repellent Tit were successfully banned from entering the United Kingdom.
“The Repellent Tit”, says expert Dr Brian Smithson, “is something of an ecological curiosity; despite no rational person agreeing with its views it nevertheless has gained a strong hold over large parts of the world, including a small but growing colony right here in the UK. It is thought to survive by being so outrageous that its competitors ignore it completely, allowing it to fester. Evolutionarily they are somewhere between the common and harmless Blue Tit and Adolf Hitler.”
When it was realised just over a week ago that a particularly hardened variety of the Dutch Repellent Tit was heading to England, action was immediately taken. “It’s imperative for the integrity of the breeding population of English Repellent Tit that foreign Tits are prevented from corrupting them, so we quickly took steps to make sure this invasion was stopped at the border,” says border controller Mr Percy Callow.
It is no secret that the offices of rival publication the Daily Mail host one of the country’s largest colonies of English Repellent Tit, but perhaps surprisingly they themselves did not object to this influx. “We wanted to have them over. Not for long, mind, we might catch something, but we’re all the same sort really.”
However, the story took a sudden turn on Thursday when it emerged that we were facing an imminent migration of American Repellent Tit, attracted to the country by local high levels of tolerance and respect, which the Repellent Tit is said to be able to recognise thousands of miles off, and which activates a frenzied behaviour similar to swarming in African Killer Bees.
Dr Smithson: “There is little difference in varieties of Tit around the world, but it is common knowledge in the field that the American varieties are perhaps a little stranger than others, possibly due to isolation from the original parent colony.”
Despite some saying that the Tits should have been allowed into the country, citing theories that interaction allows improvement and that rejection of foreign colonies is itself a trait of the Repellent Tit, it was agreed that these people are clearly fools.
The American Tits were banned from entering the country, although it is thought that a few may have slipped through. If you encounter any, please do not try to touch it, but instead contact the RSPFS who will send a trained professional in full protective equipment, to avoid any risk of encountering foreign views.
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