What's on the Telescreen

Part of a series of reviews, examining the dumbed-down, propagandistic and utterly pathetic nature of what we watch.

University Challenge
transcripted by our correspondent Ellie Tist

Jeremy Pantsman: Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of the not inconsiderably considerable contest between two privelegèd educational institutions, Corpus Christi College, Oxford and Manchester University. I, of course, will be representing the University of Life. AHAAAA!
*BA-DOOM-DOOM-CHINK!*
*Sycophantic applause*
Pantsman: Representing Corpus Christi College tonight we have...
Tottington-Smythe: I'm Jeremiah von Tottington-Smythe and I'm reading Prole Studies.
Braithwaite-Primrose: I'm Beatrice Braithwaite-Primrose and I'm reading Classism.
Twitterson-Forsythe: I'm Camilla Twitterson-Forsythe and I'm reading Snobbery.
Pantsman: And their team captain...
Trimble: err..ahh..Gaila Trimbula sum et callidissimma.. hahaa! tee-hee!
Pantsman: And representing Manchester University tonight we have...
Johnson: I'm Frankie J-
Pantsman: That's enough of your not inconsiderably silly accent. Starter for 10. What am I thinking of right now?
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tremble: Pants?
Pantsman: That's correct, yes. Your bonuses are on the thoughts of famous idiots. Who likes pants?
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trimble: You?
Pantsman: Correct. (under breath) Who made these bloody questions up? This is not inconsiderably disappointing. Another starter question: What is my favourite type of pants?
Master Bates: Manchester Giggler!
Giggler: Extra Extra Extra Small? AHAHAAHAHAHAHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pantsman: Piddle off back to your shack, you little peasant.
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trimble: Erm...
Pantsman: Answer the bloody question!
Trimble: Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
Pantsman: Incorrect! Women, eh?
*GONG*
Pantsman: And at the end of the game Corpus Christi College have 9 zillion points and Manchester have -5.
[transcript ends]