What's on the Telescreen

Part of a series of reviews examining the dumbed-down, propagandistic and utterly pathetic nature of what we watch.

The Apprentice - Part 1

The teams have completed today's task and are now in the boardroom for a real grilling with no-nonsense business genius Sir Alan Sugar.

Sir Alan: Right then, mateys.

Chorus: Good evening, Sir Alan.

Sir Alan: Well, we'll see about that, won't we?!?!?!??? Right then, Margaret, how did Team Win perform?

Margaret: Team Win spent £200 and managed to recoup £278, giving a total profit of £78.

Sir Alan: Not bad! Not bad at all! I'll tell you my first week's pay was 4 quid I didn't start with a silver-spoon in my mouth oh no no no I had to work it all up from scratch and I tell you what it was bloody hard work so that's not to be sniffed at rags to riches that's what they call me even though you probably could have made more if you were working in McDonalds for a day. What about Team Thunderbirds?

Nick: Team Thunderbirds spent £235, 481.47 and recouped 15p, making a net loss of £235,481.32.

Sir Alan: A loss? A LOSS? I tell you what I've never made a loss in my entire life I can't fucking believe this -

*Phone rings*

Sir Alan: Hello? Oh, hello Frances.

Frances: Sir Alan, your company Amstrad has just collapsed.

Sir Alan: Dear me that's no bloody good what do I pay those monkeys for that's the way the cookie crumbles I suppose actually a cookie would be quite nice now and in fact I think a compensatory blowjob would be appropriate here Frances sort one out for me and have it on my desk ready for the end of the day.

Frances: Yes, Sir Alan.

*Puts phone down*

Sir Alan: Bill, you were the team leader for Thunderbirds, would you care to explain this?

Bill: Sir Alan, "loss" is not a word that appears in my dictionary, I assure you.

Sir Alan: Don't give me all that shit you grubby little tosser I tell you what I'm a hard-nosed business genius who knows his arse from his elbow I've been around the block sonny and I know when someone's playing me for a fool and you won't make a fool out of me though I do make a mean apple pie.

Bill: I'm so sorry Sir Alan, I have so much more to offer, you haven't seen the best of me yet, I'll admit when I've made mistakes but I promise I can get back on the right lines-

Sir Alan: It's alright getting back on the right lines but you should be on them in the first place and if you're on the wrong lines a train might just run into you and I'm the train of the business world sonny jim even though I drive a Bentley but anyway now it's time to face the firing line and bring out the firing squad. Margaret, who do you think should be fired?

Margaret: I think Johnny should be fired, Sir Alan.

Sir Alan: Nick, who do you think should be fired?

Nick: I think Julian should be fired, Sir Alan.

Sir Alan: Julian, who do you think should be fired?

Julian: I think Mbwewe should be fired, Sir Alan.

Sir Alan: Mbwewe, who do you think should be fired?

Mbwewe: I think Johnny should be fired, Sir Alan.

Sir Alan: Rover!

*Dog emerges from under desk*

Sir Alan: Rover, who do you think should be fired?

Rover: Arff!! Rarf! Rarf!!!

Sir Alan: Interesting interesting this is a very very tough decision one of the hardest ones I've ever had to take but you take what you get and you get what you give and you give what you get on with it whatever knocks life brings the school of hard knocks is where I grew up but anyway I think the best way to do this is to let mother nature decide she's rarely wrong unlike my mother who used to beat me everyday to increase my strength of character but anyway here goes.

*Takes out die, and rolls it*

Sir Alan: Margaret, your number's up. YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!