Gordon Brown Spells out Policy on Zimbabwe

With Zimbabwe in the depths of economic and political crisis, Gordon Brown issued a no-nonsense statement to the country's leadership, including 84 year old Robert Mugabe.

The Prime Minister stood up to the leader and made it absolutely clear that he would under no circumstances tolerate the worsening quagmire.

"Come on, now, old boy. There's really no need for all this genocide lark. You're being very naughty.

"I'm telling you now, that if things don't clear up then I'll be forced to come all the way out here and tell you off again."

The Prime Minister also reaffirmed his committment to Zimbabwean human rights.

"You can't just go around killing people. It's really not fair game when it comes to international relations.

"We don't go around bombing countries up for no apparent reason and raping their resources, and then installing tyrants to perpetually enforce our hegemony. Ahem."

Brown also definatively spelt out his policy on consigning UK forces to Zimbabwe and other stricken African nations, in no uncertain terms.

"We may or may not send troops to Zimbabwe. We may or may not send aid to Zimbabwe. We may or may not remove troops from Iraq and bring them all the way home to Afghanistan."