Comment: An Apology

Following a series of rapacious complaints, the TRUTH would like to offer its apologies for the decline in standards of reporting in the last week.

It has been alleged that the TRUTH has systematically conspired to distract readers from real issues in favour of utterly pathetic non-stories which were given inordinate attention.

We realise that fifteen whole column inches dedicated to the world on the brink of mass food shortage and millions suffering from resultant poverty was hugely overzealous.

We profoundly regret the waste of paper on which was reported the recent elections in Venezuela.

Far too much attention was also lavished on our country's influence on foreign affairs.

The real question on the media's raucous lips should, of course, have been, "Should Diana have gone out of the X-Factor on Saturday night?!?!!?!?!!!?!?!!!?"

Further, we realise that the heartfelt disappointment felt by several holiday-goers having unwittingly diddled a few quid too many on the anticlimactic "Lapland New Forest Magical Adventure of Fraud" was grossly underplayed.

Reporting on the tragic, sickening, tragic, sorrowful, disgraceful, outrageous, tear-jerking, tragic, woeful, pitiful, tragic case wherein that cute 'ickle baby kicked the bucket is acknowledged to have been far too thin on the ground.

To reciprocate afflicted readers, we promise an ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE* DVD of Johnny Vegas doing a funny dance in tomorrow's TRUTH.

*not actually free of charge. DVDs can be claimed by calling our hotline 0845-COSTALOT. Calls are charged at £58million per second and should last no longer than 99 years.