Ahmadinejad on Channel 4

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, has elicited outrage for appearing in an interview due to be televised tonight on Channel 4.

Our media correspondent, Terry Goebells, gave us his view in a report earlier this evening.

"Ahmadinejad is a man who has been proved to have known someone who once spoke to someone who helped him to find a guy who is related to someone that once spoke about someone who has been suspected of being involved in the insurgency in Iraq. He's clearly supporting terrorism!

"I mean, really! What has the world come to when you can't bomb the fuck out of a country without some pesky foreigner from the nation next-door coming in and interfering? Doesn't he realise that we own the world?"

A senior Israeli government advisor also commented on the interview.

"This is a man who has systematically contravened basic human rights in Middle-East affairs. That's our job!

"Can't Ahmadinejad just let us ruthlessly bully the Palestinian population without opening his trap?"

A senior government official also spoke out on Channel 4's decision to broadcast the interview on national television.

"We're all for an objective media here at Labour, just not when it reports the wrong stuff. What's the point of a free press if it doesn't constantly swallow government propaganda?"

Merry Christmas

On Choosing To Be a Thinker

I sit by my radio tonight
And listen to people consume
The transfigured body of their god
And speak and sing of myteries
Beyond my meagre ken; of hope, true hope
And love and faith and light.

And I know that they are deluding
Themselves, that truly there is nothing more;
And still more; that that is the beauty of it:
That what exists is mystery enough
But still, somewhere, somehow, within
My frame resides a longing which
Responds to the call of the bells,
Of the still small trumpet, the massed
Breath, crescendo of feeling.

And I push it back, this impulse.
Back where it belongs, and go and read
A book, that I can comprehend. For what
Am I without denial, without rejection of
The urge, without self-construction?
I choose reason and thought; these are my truths.
So I close my mind to the bells,
Do not join in the choir.

Pope Condemns Homosexuality

The Pope yesterday sparked incredulity in his Christmas address in which he attacked homosexuality as being "unnatural" and "disorded".

Said a liberal Catholic Organisation spokesperson, "We didn't realise religion was like this - it's not as if the Bible says anything about the issue."

"It's unbelievable that the Catholic Church has principles that don't happen to correspond with what is socially convenient," commented a secular observer. 

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, gave his verdict on the announcement. 

"The Pope should be more like us, in the Church of England. 

"Here, you can just go along with what the culture at the time recommends, obliterating any relevant Bible passages as you progress."

In other news:

Top policeman condemns crime

Amnesty International condemns human rights breaches

Ministry of the Bleedin' Obvious publishes Annual Review

Epitaph

Somehow I’m finding it quite hard
To feel bad for the latest one,
This one, it seems, will die quite soon.

She was well-known; fat, plump, perhaps
Not clever, but everyone turned
To her at times: she had her use

From most – not quality, all knew,
But cheap and cheerful, close to home
For if you needed something quick.

Old, she was, too. I think that’s why
Some feel it more than others. Life’s
Constants, they say, should never let

You down, when you need them. But here
We are, she has, and soon will be
No more. The bells, I think, won’t ring.

But still a change will come into
The air, as subtly our faith
That what’s endured will never fail

Is broken; it’s a faith we should
Have never had. Now, countless souls
Stand limp, their bedrock tilled, and torn

Away. It’s no use telling them
The cause; even if they could know
The truth: that greed burns even th’ old.

That still would not their problems fix
Nor ease the sorrow at death’s tricks –
For where now is their Pic-n-mix?

48-Hour Week to be Pushed Through

The EU has voted to rescind Britain's opt-out status pertaining to the 48-hour working week.

In an interview with the TRUTH, Business Secretary Pat McFadden gave his verdict on the proposal.

"In times of economic trouble, it's outrageous that people aren't allowed to be forced by their employers into working 20 hours a day. Why shouldn't the public have to pay with their time and health for the banks' blunders?

"It's not as if it's the government's job to support the vulnerable and unemployed. They should be encouraged to leech off their relatives, even if it requires working double the hours.

"Life is hard - put up with it!

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important 7-course-lunch to attend to with the Chairman of Northern Crock."

Brown Promises Iraq Pull-Out

After talks with Iraqi leaders, Gordon Brown has confirmed that British troops will have left Iraq before August 2009.

The Prime Minister stated that operations were already reducing in number and that troops would begin to withdraw in the early months of next year.

"Britain can be truly proud of its legacy in Iraq. The competence and efficiency with which we have systematically destroyed this place has been highly impressive," he announced.

However, the Prime Minister came under intense scrutiny from several Iraqi journalists at the press conference, who referred to the widespread destruction the invasion was purported to have caused.

"Er . . . . Iraq is now a democracy!" he replied.
"You have the blood of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis on your hands, Mr. Brown!"
"Didn't you hear me, you pesky cretin? Democracy!!! Democracy!!!"

The Prime Minister's sentiments were echoed by Iraqi Prime Minister Punch and Deputy Minister Judy.

Said Punch, "We pay tribute to the thousands of soldiers who have bravely fought to defend our land from the chronic vices of self-determination."

"We also thank the leaders of Western multinational corporations for selflessly lining their pockets by generously monopolising Iraqi resources."

Added Judy, "We are also grateful to the leaders of Britain and the USA for rigging those -"

"No, no!" cried the Prime Minister.

"- oh, sorry! Yes, I mean for bringing democracy to Iraq."

"This is definitely the right time to withdraw. I am delighted with the state of stability we have engendered," the Prime Minister concluded.

Sadly, the press conference was cut short as a car bomb erupted nearby.

Government Issues Virus Warning

The Department of Health has today issued a health warning about the deadly X-F4C-T0R virus which has been confirmed as a severe risk to the population.

The virus, colloquially known as the "X-Factor", has been silently invading the homes of families of Britain for several weeks.

A Government spokesperson stated, "The virus is extremely contagious, and can spread from person to person with remarkable ease. Merely discussing the virus can cause the rapid dissemination thereof.

"The virus is naturally parasitic, and tends to slowly take over the brain. Particularly worrying are its effects. It can have a chronically mind-numbing effect and frequently elicits symptoms of distraction and passivity.

"It can also cause severe irritation to those who do not have the disease but are frequently in the presence of X-F4C-T0R sufferers while the virus is active."

The outbreak has been traced to a arena in London where cult-like experiments in ostentation are staged before an audience weekly.

The event has been observed to induce inordinate catharses of naivety in its participants after their performances and the virus often entangles them irreparably, rendering them insatiably driven to a life of such frivolity and excess.

Unscrupulous corporations have broadcast the abstract pathogen across national television in a bid to afflict as many victims as possible.

The population is being urged to avoid contact with X-F4C-T0R at all costs.

Ireland to Vote Again

It has been announced that the EU has agreed that Ireland will hold another referendum on the Lisbon Treaty.

Brian Cowen, the Irish Taoiseach, standing with EU leaders after a summit in Brussels, announced to members of the press:

"It's quite absurd that the people in this country can actually influence the decision-making process. It's crucial that in the people of Ireland have the chance to correct their mistakes."

He continued, "In a functioning democracy, it's essential that mechanisms are in place to overcome the administrative hurdle of people actually voting.

"Is that right?" he asked, turning to the EU President.

José Manuel Barroso, questioned on his perogative for supporting a new referendum, added, "I think we should all stop interfering in Ireland and just let them be free to have another vote rammed down their throats."

It is understood that several cast-iron promises have been made to Ireland to satiate its concerns with the Treaty.

Cowen stated, "We can definitively guarantee that Ireland will benefit from a number of real compromises that the generous leaders of the European Union have confirmed they will support, out of the goodness of their hearts.

"These promises haven't just been made up on the spot to make you think we're getting something out of it. Absolutely not.

"I have already procured an extra large Christmas hamper and unlimited access to Nicholas Sarkozy's wonderful prostitute. Wife, I mean. Nom nom nom, I think you'll all agree."

Comment: An Apology

Following a series of rapacious complaints, the TRUTH would like to offer its apologies for the decline in standards of reporting in the last week.

It has been alleged that the TRUTH has systematically conspired to distract readers from real issues in favour of utterly pathetic non-stories which were given inordinate attention.

We realise that fifteen whole column inches dedicated to the world on the brink of mass food shortage and millions suffering from resultant poverty was hugely overzealous.

We profoundly regret the waste of paper on which was reported the recent elections in Venezuela.

Far too much attention was also lavished on our country's influence on foreign affairs.

The real question on the media's raucous lips should, of course, have been, "Should Diana have gone out of the X-Factor on Saturday night?!?!!?!?!!!?!?!!!?"

Further, we realise that the heartfelt disappointment felt by several holiday-goers having unwittingly diddled a few quid too many on the anticlimactic "Lapland New Forest Magical Adventure of Fraud" was grossly underplayed.

Reporting on the tragic, sickening, tragic, sorrowful, disgraceful, outrageous, tear-jerking, tragic, woeful, pitiful, tragic case wherein that cute 'ickle baby kicked the bucket is acknowledged to have been far too thin on the ground.

To reciprocate afflicted readers, we promise an ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE* DVD of Johnny Vegas doing a funny dance in tomorrow's TRUTH.

*not actually free of charge. DVDs can be claimed by calling our hotline 0845-COSTALOT. Calls are charged at £58million per second and should last no longer than 99 years.

versum adest

High-street churches

When days grow short, and chill has filled the air –
When red-cloaked man is readying his sleigh,
I watch the people running here and there
To countless temples, offerings to pay.
First, here’s the man who leaves his girl and boy
Each day to go to work, to get ahead:
He’ll fob them off with some expensive toy;
They’d rather he were home with them instead.
Next up, a mum, her family close by:
A new computer each; no need for talk.
Some singers sweetly sing of stars and sky;
Grab purses of th’ unwary: run, don’t walk
En route to the next altar: chip and pin!
– our national religion calls us in.

Gordon Brown Spells out Policy on Zimbabwe

With Zimbabwe in the depths of economic and political crisis, Gordon Brown issued a no-nonsense statement to the country's leadership, including 84 year old Robert Mugabe.

The Prime Minister stood up to the leader and made it absolutely clear that he would under no circumstances tolerate the worsening quagmire.

"Come on, now, old boy. There's really no need for all this genocide lark. You're being very naughty.

"I'm telling you now, that if things don't clear up then I'll be forced to come all the way out here and tell you off again."

The Prime Minister also reaffirmed his committment to Zimbabwean human rights.

"You can't just go around killing people. It's really not fair game when it comes to international relations.

"We don't go around bombing countries up for no apparent reason and raping their resources, and then installing tyrants to perpetually enforce our hegemony. Ahem."

Brown also definatively spelt out his policy on consigning UK forces to Zimbabwe and other stricken African nations, in no uncertain terms.

"We may or may not send troops to Zimbabwe. We may or may not send aid to Zimbabwe. We may or may not remove troops from Iraq and bring them all the way home to Afghanistan."