Robert Mugabe stunned the world last night when he announced that he could be prepared to "walk away from his job tomorrow".
"Power just hasn't turned out the way I wanted. All this genocide, all this raping and pillaging - I'm just not sure about it anymore.
"Recent events have really been difficult for me; for some reason, people resent having me as their leader. I could leave - it would probably be good for my wives."
The Zimbabwean leader also claimed that he "didn't know much" about the plight that has engulfed his country in the last decade.
"I wasn't really sure what was going on, to be honest. Hay-ho; that's life. Or death, as the case may be."
Questioned on his future, Mugabe speculated: "I could become a social worker or a teacher. I'd really love to give something back to society."
Saturday 20 June 2009
Thursday 16 April 2009
Deflation Shock
The world reeled in disbelief last night when it emerged that the media's ability to accurately report economic facts was deflating for the first time in half a century.
News agencies reported that the USA's Press Consistency Index had registered a decline of 19,256,940,333%.
The Truth's economic correspondent Charles le Tan issued the following statement:
"Period of falling prices can be absolutely devastating to the economy.
"On the other hand, so can increasing prices.
"Basically, we're fucked either way."
Charles will be on hand to continue issuing sensationalist warnings without the slightest appreciation of the issues behind them.
News agencies reported that the USA's Press Consistency Index had registered a decline of 19,256,940,333%.
The Truth's economic correspondent Charles le Tan issued the following statement:
"Period of falling prices can be absolutely devastating to the economy.
"On the other hand, so can increasing prices.
"Basically, we're fucked either way."
Charles will be on hand to continue issuing sensationalist warnings without the slightest appreciation of the issues behind them.
Friday 3 April 2009
Historic G20 Agreement
World leaders including US President Barack Obarmy have hailed the results of the recent G20 talks in London.
Several hours of talks concluded with the following radical and dramatic results:
1. The sandwiches were nice
2. All countries agree to the agreement
3. The stable door should be closed now the horse has run out
4. The agreement should be agreed to be upheld by all those who agree
5. Leaders will agree to disagree
It was also confirmed that it had been agreed that the agreed-to agreements would be agreed to.
Gordon Brown made the following comments:
"This agreement..."
That's enough agreement. Ed.
Several hours of talks concluded with the following radical and dramatic results:
1. The sandwiches were nice
2. All countries agree to the agreement
3. The stable door should be closed now the horse has run out
4. The agreement should be agreed to be upheld by all those who agree
5. Leaders will agree to disagree
It was also confirmed that it had been agreed that the agreed-to agreements would be agreed to.
Gordon Brown made the following comments:
"This agreement..."
That's enough agreement. Ed.
Thursday 2 April 2009
What's on the Telescreen
Part of a series of reviews examining the dumbed-down, propagandistic and utterly pathetic nature of what we watch.
The Apprentice - Part 1
The teams have completed today's task and are now in the boardroom for a real grilling with no-nonsense business genius Sir Alan Sugar.
Sir Alan: Right then, mateys.
Chorus: Good evening, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Well, we'll see about that, won't we?!?!?!??? Right then, Margaret, how did Team Win perform?
Margaret: Team Win spent £200 and managed to recoup £278, giving a total profit of £78.
Sir Alan: Not bad! Not bad at all! I'll tell you my first week's pay was 4 quid I didn't start with a silver-spoon in my mouth oh no no no I had to work it all up from scratch and I tell you what it was bloody hard work so that's not to be sniffed at rags to riches that's what they call me even though you probably could have made more if you were working in McDonalds for a day. What about Team Thunderbirds?
Nick: Team Thunderbirds spent £235, 481.47 and recouped 15p, making a net loss of £235,481.32.
Sir Alan: A loss? A LOSS? I tell you what I've never made a loss in my entire life I can't fucking believe this -
*Phone rings*
Sir Alan: Hello? Oh, hello Frances.
Frances: Sir Alan, your company Amstrad has just collapsed.
Sir Alan: Dear me that's no bloody good what do I pay those monkeys for that's the way the cookie crumbles I suppose actually a cookie would be quite nice now and in fact I think a compensatory blowjob would be appropriate here Frances sort one out for me and have it on my desk ready for the end of the day.
Frances: Yes, Sir Alan.
*Puts phone down*
Sir Alan: Bill, you were the team leader for Thunderbirds, would you care to explain this?
Bill: Sir Alan, "loss" is not a word that appears in my dictionary, I assure you.
Sir Alan: Don't give me all that shit you grubby little tosser I tell you what I'm a hard-nosed business genius who knows his arse from his elbow I've been around the block sonny and I know when someone's playing me for a fool and you won't make a fool out of me though I do make a mean apple pie.
Bill: I'm so sorry Sir Alan, I have so much more to offer, you haven't seen the best of me yet, I'll admit when I've made mistakes but I promise I can get back on the right lines-
Sir Alan: It's alright getting back on the right lines but you should be on them in the first place and if you're on the wrong lines a train might just run into you and I'm the train of the business world sonny jim even though I drive a Bentley but anyway now it's time to face the firing line and bring out the firing squad. Margaret, who do you think should be fired?
Margaret: I think Johnny should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Nick, who do you think should be fired?
Nick: I think Julian should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Julian, who do you think should be fired?
Julian: I think Mbwewe should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Mbwewe, who do you think should be fired?
Mbwewe: I think Johnny should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Rover!
*Dog emerges from under desk*
Sir Alan: Rover, who do you think should be fired?
Rover: Arff!! Rarf! Rarf!!!
Sir Alan: Interesting interesting this is a very very tough decision one of the hardest ones I've ever had to take but you take what you get and you get what you give and you give what you get on with it whatever knocks life brings the school of hard knocks is where I grew up but anyway I think the best way to do this is to let mother nature decide she's rarely wrong unlike my mother who used to beat me everyday to increase my strength of character but anyway here goes.
*Takes out die, and rolls it*
Sir Alan: Margaret, your number's up. YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!
The Apprentice - Part 1
The teams have completed today's task and are now in the boardroom for a real grilling with no-nonsense business genius Sir Alan Sugar.
Sir Alan: Right then, mateys.
Chorus: Good evening, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Well, we'll see about that, won't we?!?!?!??? Right then, Margaret, how did Team Win perform?
Margaret: Team Win spent £200 and managed to recoup £278, giving a total profit of £78.
Sir Alan: Not bad! Not bad at all! I'll tell you my first week's pay was 4 quid I didn't start with a silver-spoon in my mouth oh no no no I had to work it all up from scratch and I tell you what it was bloody hard work so that's not to be sniffed at rags to riches that's what they call me even though you probably could have made more if you were working in McDonalds for a day. What about Team Thunderbirds?
Nick: Team Thunderbirds spent £235, 481.47 and recouped 15p, making a net loss of £235,481.32.
Sir Alan: A loss? A LOSS? I tell you what I've never made a loss in my entire life I can't fucking believe this -
*Phone rings*
Sir Alan: Hello? Oh, hello Frances.
Frances: Sir Alan, your company Amstrad has just collapsed.
Sir Alan: Dear me that's no bloody good what do I pay those monkeys for that's the way the cookie crumbles I suppose actually a cookie would be quite nice now and in fact I think a compensatory blowjob would be appropriate here Frances sort one out for me and have it on my desk ready for the end of the day.
Frances: Yes, Sir Alan.
*Puts phone down*
Sir Alan: Bill, you were the team leader for Thunderbirds, would you care to explain this?
Bill: Sir Alan, "loss" is not a word that appears in my dictionary, I assure you.
Sir Alan: Don't give me all that shit you grubby little tosser I tell you what I'm a hard-nosed business genius who knows his arse from his elbow I've been around the block sonny and I know when someone's playing me for a fool and you won't make a fool out of me though I do make a mean apple pie.
Bill: I'm so sorry Sir Alan, I have so much more to offer, you haven't seen the best of me yet, I'll admit when I've made mistakes but I promise I can get back on the right lines-
Sir Alan: It's alright getting back on the right lines but you should be on them in the first place and if you're on the wrong lines a train might just run into you and I'm the train of the business world sonny jim even though I drive a Bentley but anyway now it's time to face the firing line and bring out the firing squad. Margaret, who do you think should be fired?
Margaret: I think Johnny should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Nick, who do you think should be fired?
Nick: I think Julian should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Julian, who do you think should be fired?
Julian: I think Mbwewe should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Mbwewe, who do you think should be fired?
Mbwewe: I think Johnny should be fired, Sir Alan.
Sir Alan: Rover!
*Dog emerges from under desk*
Sir Alan: Rover, who do you think should be fired?
Rover: Arff!! Rarf! Rarf!!!
Sir Alan: Interesting interesting this is a very very tough decision one of the hardest ones I've ever had to take but you take what you get and you get what you give and you give what you get on with it whatever knocks life brings the school of hard knocks is where I grew up but anyway I think the best way to do this is to let mother nature decide she's rarely wrong unlike my mother who used to beat me everyday to increase my strength of character but anyway here goes.
*Takes out die, and rolls it*
Sir Alan: Margaret, your number's up. YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!
Saturday 28 March 2009
No Shit, Sherlock
"Watson..." Sherlock whispered, a sharp chill running up his spine, "I think I've just had an awful realisation."
Something terrible had dawned upon him; for his thitherto radiant countenance had been subdued and drained of colour, and his voice trembled with dread. He was pacing back and forth, mumbling under his breath - the room had turn icy-cold; and every word Sherlock uttered forth emanated in a cloud of dank vapour.
"What is it, Sir?" enquired Watson.
"Watson - it's GCSE Science. I've been taking a look at the documents... Writing poetry to MPs; swallowing propaganda about Global Warming: I've got a terrible feeling this isn't rigorous." He drew in a deep breath, and mustered all the courage in his soul. "Watson - I think GCSE Science has been dumbed down."
"Sir - it can't be true! Tell me it's not true, sir; tell me it's not true!!"
Sherlock grabbed him by the shoulders. "Pull yourself together man! You must stay strong." He shivered with alarm. "They must not know about this - this will tear the nation in two - this kind of revelation - there'll be riots on the streets - people just will not believe it!"
Watson was crippled with incredulity. "No. No. It just can't be true. I won't accept it."
"Watson! This is our chance to stand as men. Faced with the Absurd, the despair, the bottomless pit of doom, we must stand and be counted. Yes, GCSE Science has lost its value; yes, this might mean the end of the world as we know it. But let one thing be remembered: the world will know that few stood against many; this day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny and usher in a future brighter than anything we can imagine. " He stood up, straightened, resolved.
"TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL!!!!!!!"
Something terrible had dawned upon him; for his thitherto radiant countenance had been subdued and drained of colour, and his voice trembled with dread. He was pacing back and forth, mumbling under his breath - the room had turn icy-cold; and every word Sherlock uttered forth emanated in a cloud of dank vapour.
"What is it, Sir?" enquired Watson.
"Watson - it's GCSE Science. I've been taking a look at the documents... Writing poetry to MPs; swallowing propaganda about Global Warming: I've got a terrible feeling this isn't rigorous." He drew in a deep breath, and mustered all the courage in his soul. "Watson - I think GCSE Science has been dumbed down."
"Sir - it can't be true! Tell me it's not true, sir; tell me it's not true!!"
Sherlock grabbed him by the shoulders. "Pull yourself together man! You must stay strong." He shivered with alarm. "They must not know about this - this will tear the nation in two - this kind of revelation - there'll be riots on the streets - people just will not believe it!"
Watson was crippled with incredulity. "No. No. It just can't be true. I won't accept it."
"Watson! This is our chance to stand as men. Faced with the Absurd, the despair, the bottomless pit of doom, we must stand and be counted. Yes, GCSE Science has lost its value; yes, this might mean the end of the world as we know it. But let one thing be remembered: the world will know that few stood against many; this day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny and usher in a future brighter than anything we can imagine. " He stood up, straightened, resolved.
"TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL!!!!!!!"
Thursday 26 March 2009
Abortion Adverts
The Truth is delighted to confirm that several of the new abortion advertisements will be placed in the newspaper in the next few days. Samples can be found below.
Trying to win your town's slag of the year prize, but pregnancies getting in your way?
Tired with condoms spoiling your sexual experience, or too lazy and cheap to take the pill?
The Baby Buster from JML is just the ticket!!! Simply insert the specially crafted rusty hook into your womb and dismember the growing life at your convenience. Dispose of that irritating infant with ease. Discounts available for twins or multiple terminations!!!
Special aftercare is also available from our specially trained experts, such as Mr. C Hook, pictured here!
Trying to win your town's slag of the year prize, but pregnancies getting in your way?
Tired with condoms spoiling your sexual experience, or too lazy and cheap to take the pill?
The Baby Buster from JML is just the ticket!!! Simply insert the specially crafted rusty hook into your womb and dismember the growing life at your convenience. Dispose of that irritating infant with ease. Discounts available for twins or multiple terminations!!!
And now: do away with that screaming foetus with the all-new Baby Bin, also from JML!! Operating on a 10 million RPM shredding capacity, the Baby Bin will turn that annoying child into a mound of congealed goo in seconds!!
Special aftercare is also available from our specially trained experts, such as Mr. C Hook, pictured here!
Sunday 22 March 2009
Comment: An Apology
The Truth would like to apologise for the insensitivity of its coverage of the career of Jade Goody.
Headlines such as "Burn in Hell you racist bitch" and "Goody to be buried at sea ... after we finish pissing on her grave, that is" may have given the impression that her public demeanour was in the slightest reprehensible.
We unreservedly regret these unfounded and overzealous comments, and offer our most groveling condolences to Jade's boys, and also to her sons.
Jade Goody has made a profound and admirable contribution to the public good, including manifold instances of vitriolic bigotry and numerous sleazy dance videos. She has also been a prolific actress, starring in wondrous productions such as "Jabe: Pig in the City".
We wish Jade's family all the best after such a tragic loss as they continue to count their millions.
In other news: 24,000 people died of hunger today.
(On a decidedly less satirical note, I'd actually like to offer a genuine apology for my lack of posting this month. I aim to post 2-3 times every week; but an increasingly busy schedule has temporarily derailed this ambition. Sorry!)
Headlines such as "Burn in Hell you racist bitch" and "Goody to be buried at sea ... after we finish pissing on her grave, that is" may have given the impression that her public demeanour was in the slightest reprehensible.
We unreservedly regret these unfounded and overzealous comments, and offer our most groveling condolences to Jade's boys, and also to her sons.
Jade Goody has made a profound and admirable contribution to the public good, including manifold instances of vitriolic bigotry and numerous sleazy dance videos. She has also been a prolific actress, starring in wondrous productions such as "Jabe: Pig in the City".
We wish Jade's family all the best after such a tragic loss as they continue to count their millions.
In other news: 24,000 people died of hunger today.
(On a decidedly less satirical note, I'd actually like to offer a genuine apology for my lack of posting this month. I aim to post 2-3 times every week; but an increasingly busy schedule has temporarily derailed this ambition. Sorry!)
Sunday 8 March 2009
Antrim Shootings Condemned
Prime Minister Gordon Brown has vociferously condemned shootings by dissident Republicans in Northern Ireland in which two British soldiers were killed.
The incident took place outside Massereene barracks in co. Antrim at around 9.30pm on Saturday evening.
The PM said the following:
"I'm outraged by the cowardly killing of these two young men who had their whole career of raping and pillaging in Iraq to look forward to.
"This was an example of ruthlessly cold-blooded murder, which is, of course, morally distinct from the Army's heroic practice in the War on Terror.
"Anyway, I'm off to meet Nelson Mandela."
Martin McGuiness MP also spoke out against the perpetrators, saying:
"I don't support the IRA anymore . . . I'm just a Sinn Fein representative.
"Violence is, like, totally last season, brothers."
The incident took place outside Massereene barracks in co. Antrim at around 9.30pm on Saturday evening.
The PM said the following:
"I'm outraged by the cowardly killing of these two young men who had their whole career of raping and pillaging in Iraq to look forward to.
"This was an example of ruthlessly cold-blooded murder, which is, of course, morally distinct from the Army's heroic practice in the War on Terror.
"Anyway, I'm off to meet Nelson Mandela."
Martin McGuiness MP also spoke out against the perpetrators, saying:
"I don't support the IRA anymore . . . I'm just a Sinn Fein representative.
"Violence is, like, totally last season, brothers."
Saturday 28 February 2009
What's on the Telescreen
Part of a series of reviews, examining the dumbed-down, propagandistic and utterly pathetic nature of what we watch.
University Challenge
transcripted by our correspondent Ellie Tist
Jeremy Pantsman: Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of the not inconsiderably considerable contest between two privelegèd educational institutions, Corpus Christi College, Oxford and Manchester University. I, of course, will be representing the University of Life. AHAAAA!
*BA-DOOM-DOOM-CHINK!*
*Sycophantic applause*
Pantsman: Representing Corpus Christi College tonight we have...
Tottington-Smythe: I'm Jeremiah von Tottington-Smythe and I'm reading Prole Studies.
Braithwaite-Primrose: I'm Beatrice Braithwaite-Primrose and I'm reading Classism.
Twitterson-Forsythe: I'm Camilla Twitterson-Forsythe and I'm reading Snobbery.
Pantsman: And their team captain...
Trimble: err..ahh..Gaila Trimbula sum et callidissimma.. hahaa! tee-hee!
Pantsman: And representing Manchester University tonight we have...
Johnson: I'm Frankie J-
Pantsman: That's enough of your not inconsiderably silly accent. Starter for 10. What am I thinking of right now?
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tremble: Pants?
Pantsman: That's correct, yes. Your bonuses are on the thoughts of famous idiots. Who likes pants?
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trimble: You?
Pantsman: Correct. (under breath) Who made these bloody questions up? This is not inconsiderably disappointing. Another starter question: What is my favourite type of pants?
Master Bates: Manchester Giggler!
Giggler: Extra Extra Extra Small? AHAHAAHAHAHAHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pantsman: Piddle off back to your shack, you little peasant.
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trimble: Erm...
Pantsman: Answer the bloody question!
Trimble: Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
Pantsman: Incorrect! Women, eh?
*GONG*
Pantsman: And at the end of the game Corpus Christi College have 9 zillion points and Manchester have -5.
[transcript ends]
University Challenge
transcripted by our correspondent Ellie Tist
Jeremy Pantsman: Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of the not inconsiderably considerable contest between two privelegèd educational institutions, Corpus Christi College, Oxford and Manchester University. I, of course, will be representing the University of Life. AHAAAA!
*BA-DOOM-DOOM-CHINK!*
*Sycophantic applause*
Pantsman: Representing Corpus Christi College tonight we have...
Tottington-Smythe: I'm Jeremiah von Tottington-Smythe and I'm reading Prole Studies.
Braithwaite-Primrose: I'm Beatrice Braithwaite-Primrose and I'm reading Classism.
Twitterson-Forsythe: I'm Camilla Twitterson-Forsythe and I'm reading Snobbery.
Pantsman: And their team captain...
Trimble: err..ahh..Gaila Trimbula sum et callidissimma.. hahaa! tee-hee!
Pantsman: And representing Manchester University tonight we have...
Johnson: I'm Frankie J-
Pantsman: That's enough of your not inconsiderably silly accent. Starter for 10. What am I thinking of right now?
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tremble: Pants?
Pantsman: That's correct, yes. Your bonuses are on the thoughts of famous idiots. Who likes pants?
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trimble: You?
Pantsman: Correct. (under breath) Who made these bloody questions up? This is not inconsiderably disappointing. Another starter question: What is my favourite type of pants?
Master Bates: Manchester Giggler!
Giggler: Extra Extra Extra Small? AHAHAAHAHAHAHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pantsman: Piddle off back to your shack, you little peasant.
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trimble: Erm...
Pantsman: Answer the bloody question!
Trimble: Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
Pantsman: Incorrect! Women, eh?
*GONG*
Pantsman: And at the end of the game Corpus Christi College have 9 zillion points and Manchester have -5.
[transcript ends]
Friday 27 February 2009
How Withdrawal Works
Withdraw your Army in nine easy steps with Barack Obarmy!!!!!!!!!
Step 1. Suck relevant country dry for oil profits.
Step 2. Install sympathetic dictator and claim democratic victory.
Step 3. Make emotional speech including celebratory gunshots using following words in random order: love, hope, unity, peace, change, humanity, responsibility, kindness etc.
Step 4. Claim invasion has succeeded in establishing peace amidst background of mass-murder, racketeering and destruction.
Step 5. Bring 50,000 troops all the way home to Afghanistan.
Step 6. Leave remaining troops in "non-combat" combat roles.
Step 7. Leave all military bases, technologies, advisors, mercenaries and contractors in country.
Step 8. Sit back and admire newfound peace in Middle-East.
Step 9. Invade Iran.
Step 1. Suck relevant country dry for oil profits.
Step 2. Install sympathetic dictator and claim democratic victory.
Step 3. Make emotional speech including celebratory gunshots using following words in random order: love, hope, unity, peace, change, humanity, responsibility, kindness etc.
Step 4. Claim invasion has succeeded in establishing peace amidst background of mass-murder, racketeering and destruction.
Step 5. Bring 50,000 troops all the way home to Afghanistan.
Step 6. Leave remaining troops in "non-combat" combat roles.
Step 7. Leave all military bases, technologies, advisors, mercenaries and contractors in country.
Step 8. Sit back and admire newfound peace in Middle-East.
Step 9. Invade Iran.
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