What's on the Telescreen

Part of a series of reviews, examining the dumbed-down, propagandistic and utterly pathetic nature of what we watch.

University Challenge
transcripted by our correspondent Ellie Tist

Jeremy Pantsman: Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of the not inconsiderably considerable contest between two privelegèd educational institutions, Corpus Christi College, Oxford and Manchester University. I, of course, will be representing the University of Life. AHAAAA!
*BA-DOOM-DOOM-CHINK!*
*Sycophantic applause*
Pantsman: Representing Corpus Christi College tonight we have...
Tottington-Smythe: I'm Jeremiah von Tottington-Smythe and I'm reading Prole Studies.
Braithwaite-Primrose: I'm Beatrice Braithwaite-Primrose and I'm reading Classism.
Twitterson-Forsythe: I'm Camilla Twitterson-Forsythe and I'm reading Snobbery.
Pantsman: And their team captain...
Trimble: err..ahh..Gaila Trimbula sum et callidissimma.. hahaa! tee-hee!
Pantsman: And representing Manchester University tonight we have...
Johnson: I'm Frankie J-
Pantsman: That's enough of your not inconsiderably silly accent. Starter for 10. What am I thinking of right now?
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tremble: Pants?
Pantsman: That's correct, yes. Your bonuses are on the thoughts of famous idiots. Who likes pants?
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trimble: You?
Pantsman: Correct. (under breath) Who made these bloody questions up? This is not inconsiderably disappointing. Another starter question: What is my favourite type of pants?
Master Bates: Manchester Giggler!
Giggler: Extra Extra Extra Small? AHAHAAHAHAHAHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pantsman: Piddle off back to your shack, you little peasant.
Master Bates: CORPUS CHRISTI TRIMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trimble: Erm...
Pantsman: Answer the bloody question!
Trimble: Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
Pantsman: Incorrect! Women, eh?
*GONG*
Pantsman: And at the end of the game Corpus Christi College have 9 zillion points and Manchester have -5.
[transcript ends]

How Withdrawal Works

Withdraw your Army in nine easy steps with Barack Obarmy!!!!!!!!!

Step 1. Suck relevant country dry for oil profits.

Step 2. Install sympathetic dictator and claim democratic victory.

Step 3. Make emotional speech including celebratory gunshots using following words in random order: love, hope, unity, peace, change, humanity, responsibility, kindness etc.

Step 4. Claim invasion has succeeded in establishing peace amidst background of mass-murder, racketeering and destruction.

Step 5. Bring 50,000 troops all the way home to Afghanistan.

Step 6. Leave remaining troops in "non-combat" combat roles.

Step 7. Leave all military bases, technologies, advisors, mercenaries and contractors in country.

Step 8. Sit back and admire newfound peace in Middle-East.

Step 9. Invade Iran.

Equality Achievement by the Ministry of Freedom

The Ministry for Freedom announced Thursday a triumph in the realm of international equality as both American and Dutch varieties of Repellent Tit were successfully banned from entering the United Kingdom.

“The Repellent Tit”, says expert Dr Brian Smithson, “is something of an ecological curiosity; despite no rational person agreeing with its views it nevertheless has gained a strong hold over large parts of the world, including a small but growing colony right here in the UK. It is thought to survive by being so outrageous that its competitors ignore it completely, allowing it to fester. Evolutionarily they are somewhere between the common and harmless Blue Tit and Adolf Hitler.”

When it was realised just over a week ago that a particularly hardened variety of the Dutch Repellent Tit was heading to England, action was immediately taken. “It’s imperative for the integrity of the breeding population of English Repellent Tit that foreign Tits are prevented from corrupting them, so we quickly took steps to make sure this invasion was stopped at the border,” says border controller Mr Percy Callow.

It is no secret that the offices of rival publication the Daily Mail host one of the country’s largest colonies of English Repellent Tit, but perhaps surprisingly they themselves did not object to this influx. “We wanted to have them over. Not for long, mind, we might catch something, but we’re all the same sort really.”

However, the story took a sudden turn on Thursday when it emerged that we were facing an imminent migration of American Repellent Tit, attracted to the country by local high levels of tolerance and respect, which the Repellent Tit is said to be able to recognise thousands of miles off, and which activates a frenzied behaviour similar to swarming in African Killer Bees.

Dr Smithson: “There is little difference in varieties of Tit around the world, but it is common knowledge in the field that the American varieties are perhaps a little stranger than others, possibly due to isolation from the original parent colony.”

Despite some saying that the Tits should have been allowed into the country, citing theories that interaction allows improvement and that rejection of foreign colonies is itself a trait of the Repellent Tit, it was agreed that these people are clearly fools.

The American Tits were banned from entering the country, although it is thought that a few may have slipped through. If you encounter any, please do not try to touch it, but instead contact the RSPFS who will send a trained professional in full protective equipment, to avoid any risk of encountering foreign views.

Genius Asked for Nuts Photoshoot

The leading Men's Magazine Nuts has invited the corpse of Albert Einstein to star in a saucy photoshoot.

Miss. O'Gynist, the head of recruitment at Nuts, said the following:

"Nowadays, genius is a real turn-on for the depraved audiences we pander to. As such, explicit pictures of Einstein's dead body will feature in our newest issue.

"Degrading very clever people into vulgar sex objects satisfies our only supreme moral belief here at Nuts: the greater the shameless humiliation and exploitation, the better.

"But don't worry; it'll be tasteful necrophilia only."

Speaking from its inertial reference frame, Einstein's corpse responded describing itself as "flattered" but had politely declined the offer.

Starbucks Apologises to Mandelson

The US Coffee chain Starbucks has apologised to "Lord" Mandelson for remarking about the dismal state of the UK economy.

Howard Schultz, the company's chariman, suggested that the economy was heading for a "downward spiral".

He released the following statement:

"It was clearly insensitive of me to suggest that the country faces the slightest possibility of any kind of downturn.

"My comments are clearly at odds with the facts. Britain is well-positioned to continue a solid period of steady, controlled growth with minimal inflation and gradually increasing employment.

"Attacking the government was foolish, especially at a time when our company will soon be grovelling for billions of pounds of taxpayers' money to bail ourselves out of the consumerist train-wreck that we have made of the coffee industry.

"I would like to reassure "Lord" Mandelson that my ritual cock-sucking and sycophancy will continue as long as he promises to keep turning a blind eye to the protracted demolition of independent coffee-shop culture over which I have gleefully presided."

What's on the Telescreen

The first in a series of reviews, examining the dumbed-down, propagandistic and utterly pathetic nature of what we watch.

"All good things must come to an end." This maxim certainly holds for the all-too-brief period of absence for TV's favourite shister duo, Ant 'n' Dec. They've returned with fresh vim for another series of the abominable charade that is Saturday Night Takeaway, with the same shameless disingenuity that characterises all of their broadcasting antics.

Ant 'n' Dec, freshly plucked from the Ninth Ring of Hell to delight us with their inane banter and cringeworthy puns, were undoubtedly the show's most soiling factors. The two have the about as much combined personality as a tombstone. You could almost see the $$$ signs revolving in their eyes as they dangled before the cameras the symbols of a consumerist society, like a couple of classic cretins put in place purely for the purpose of subduing the proletariat for another week.

It shows you how sick the industry really is: that racket at ITV pay millions for this pair of wholly unfunny divs, whilst the sycophants at the Comedy Awards shower them with booby prizes for their supposed "genius".

But even without that pair of pricks presenting it, the show itself is entirely intellectually lifeless. Its claim to fame is to round up a serially shouty audience, select a few meandering losers therefrom and record the ensuing humiliation on stage for such outstanding prizes as ... er, nappies.This week was no different; we were treated to appearances by the spoiled bitch of the Century - Paris Hilton - and the screeching Smiley Myrus. Apparently she's only 16: they might as well have brought out a lamb to the slaughter.

Frankly, broadcasting an orgy of projectile vomiting would have been less sickening. Hopefully, they'll do a Jade before the next plodding episode.

Jade Cancer Shock

Health officials today issued a warning over the rampant cancer colloquially referred to as "Jade".

In a detailed report, Jade was declared a highly infectious and dangerous disease.

A Health Department adviser commented:

"Jade is spreading fast, and poses a serious risk to the mental health of the population.

"The virus is beginning to gnaw away at the fragmented carcass of press integrity, and has infected over 15 billion column inches this week alone.

"Even visual contact with Jade has been observed to induce symptoms of disgust, including severe vomiting.

"We advise that the public exempt themselves fully from possible exposure with Jade."

A representative for Jade issued the following statement:

"Honk-honk."