The BBC has confirmed that it will not be broadcasting the charity appeal for aid in Gaza this evening.
Amidst fears that showing the message would compromise the corporation's objectivity, the director general Mark Thompson announced that the BBC would not be following the lead of Channel 4, ITV and Five.
"You see, it would be partial of the BBC to say anything that portrays Israel as anything other than a shining bastion of peace and justice.
"It's crucial that the BBC fulfills its loyal role as a propaganda arm of the government.
"When Gordon selected me for this job, he did so on the grounds that I would not show anything that may usurp the foreign policy goals of his allies.
"It would therefore be unfair to suggest that dying Palestinians are worth anything and should be helped."
Monday 26 January 2009
Tuesday 20 January 2009
Obama Deified
Billions of people watched in awe today as Barack Obarmy was officially made a God.
Thousands of sheep breathlessly attended the ceremony at the Ministry of Abstract Nouns in Washington's National Mall, where Obarmy gave an emotional speech to mark his elevation to immortal status.
Guests to the event ranged from Obarmy's family including his two daughters, Hope and Change, and celebrities such as Jesus Christ and Zeus.
During Obarmy's speech, guests were delighted as the clouds of heav'n parted and a snow-white dove low'd down from the sky.
As he took his oath, the Lincoln Memorial was shaken to its foundations as the statue of Abraham Lincoln came to life to congratulate Obarmy on his superhuman status.
The deification process itself happened after the ritual sacrifice of Democracy, Peace and Justice at the altar of Capitalism, to the satisfaction of Obarmy's benefactors from Financial institutions.
The Holy Spirit also expressed its content at the affair, describing itself as "well pleased".
As Obarmy was elevated into the ethereal realms, moderate rains suddenly broke out in Saharan Africa, and desolate farm lands sprouted with the finest produce. Farmers rejoiced and affirmed that world starvation was at an end.
Further, Palestinians and Israelis crossed the Occupied Territories to embrace each other and agree an eternal peace deal, pledging to never again resort to violent dispute.
Even more miraculously, scientists working on the cure for cancer, AIDS and Malaria reported that they had discovered reliable and effective cures to all three diseases, and that worldwide plague would soon be eradicated.
Obarmy's exit was marked with the historic conclusion: "God bless us, every one*!"
(Except the poor, and those who oppose American hegemony.)
Thousands of sheep breathlessly attended the ceremony at the Ministry of Abstract Nouns in Washington's National Mall, where Obarmy gave an emotional speech to mark his elevation to immortal status.
Guests to the event ranged from Obarmy's family including his two daughters, Hope and Change, and celebrities such as Jesus Christ and Zeus.
During Obarmy's speech, guests were delighted as the clouds of heav'n parted and a snow-white dove low'd down from the sky.
As he took his oath, the Lincoln Memorial was shaken to its foundations as the statue of Abraham Lincoln came to life to congratulate Obarmy on his superhuman status.
The deification process itself happened after the ritual sacrifice of Democracy, Peace and Justice at the altar of Capitalism, to the satisfaction of Obarmy's benefactors from Financial institutions.
The Holy Spirit also expressed its content at the affair, describing itself as "well pleased".
As Obarmy was elevated into the ethereal realms, moderate rains suddenly broke out in Saharan Africa, and desolate farm lands sprouted with the finest produce. Farmers rejoiced and affirmed that world starvation was at an end.
Further, Palestinians and Israelis crossed the Occupied Territories to embrace each other and agree an eternal peace deal, pledging to never again resort to violent dispute.
Even more miraculously, scientists working on the cure for cancer, AIDS and Malaria reported that they had discovered reliable and effective cures to all three diseases, and that worldwide plague would soon be eradicated.
Obarmy's exit was marked with the historic conclusion: "God bless us, every one*!"
(Except the poor, and those who oppose American hegemony.)
Monday 19 January 2009
ecce homo, imperator Americae
Tomorrow a Man
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
Alone in the centre, there he will command
All that all survey; nations will bow
Before his accession to the largest land
On the next, triumphal, day.
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
And he will inspire through his face
And his land; and people, cheering, wonder how
They felt it meant something, someone’s place
And the suffering will leave us like sand.
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
But if you will cut him, red blood will pour out
From a man, not a moral. And although looking now
Shows a triumph of truth, the crowds as they shout
Enclose a real person, fast eroding, like coral.
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
Only one in six billion will be there that day
But give time! For the life of a man is a bough
Of a tree that will grow; if it’s good, past the play-
Acting here, past the mime,
If our children still love him when it’s no longer now –
But tomorrow, a man will stand and vow.
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
Alone in the centre, there he will command
All that all survey; nations will bow
Before his accession to the largest land
On the next, triumphal, day.
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
And he will inspire through his face
And his land; and people, cheering, wonder how
They felt it meant something, someone’s place
And the suffering will leave us like sand.
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
But if you will cut him, red blood will pour out
From a man, not a moral. And although looking now
Shows a triumph of truth, the crowds as they shout
Enclose a real person, fast eroding, like coral.
Tomorrow a man will stand and vow
Only one in six billion will be there that day
But give time! For the life of a man is a bough
Of a tree that will grow; if it’s good, past the play-
Acting here, past the mime,
If our children still love him when it’s no longer now –
But tomorrow, a man will stand and vow.
Monday 12 January 2009
Harry in Racist Slur
Harry Hill has provoked outrage last night after it emerged that he had made racist comments to an Asian counterpart whilst training for Army duty.
In a video that has been examined by the press, the comedian refers to the soldier as a "raghead" and a "Paki".
An Army spokesperson condemned the act, saying:
"All soldiers should show respect for other races while they go and bomb countries to shreds in the name of British supremacy.
"This remark could cause grave offense to the millions that live in Asia. Those that are still alive after we've ravaged their lands, that is.
"The Prince should be a bastion for tolerance and justice - he can't just go around causing race relations disasters. That's our job."
Hill said of his actions:
"You're forgetting - I'm a total joke! It's my job to be hilariously incompetent.
"Don't expect me to behave responsibly - I'm totally out of touch. It's the role I've been born into!
"I make a laughing stock of myself, and the papers lap it up - and it's all at your expense! What lark!"
In a video that has been examined by the press, the comedian refers to the soldier as a "raghead" and a "Paki".
An Army spokesperson condemned the act, saying:
"All soldiers should show respect for other races while they go and bomb countries to shreds in the name of British supremacy.
"This remark could cause grave offense to the millions that live in Asia. Those that are still alive after we've ravaged their lands, that is.
"The Prince should be a bastion for tolerance and justice - he can't just go around causing race relations disasters. That's our job."
Hill said of his actions:
"You're forgetting - I'm a total joke! It's my job to be hilariously incompetent.
"Don't expect me to behave responsibly - I'm totally out of touch. It's the role I've been born into!
"I make a laughing stock of myself, and the papers lap it up - and it's all at your expense! What lark!"
Wednesday 7 January 2009
M&S Boss: "I won't take pay rise"
In a remarkable act of self-sacrifice, the CEO of Marks and Spencer, Sir Stuart Rose, confirmed that he would not be accepting a bonus or pay rise this year.
The TRUTH's Business Correspondent, reporting from inside the pocket of the Director, was told:
"I will certainly not be receiving a pay rise this year - my salary will remain at a reasonable 9-figure level."
Questioned on his motives for his martyrdom, he replied:
"I want all M&S employees to know this organisation is thoroughly a level playing-field.
"If business leaders including myself totally fuck up the market, and you all lose your jobs and starve to death, rest assured that I'll have to postpone my plans for a new beach mansion in the Bahamas all the way to next year.
"That's right: everybody will be making sacrifices - I'll only be able to buy my wife one luxury yacht for her birthday.
"It's right that the whole of this company takes the fall for my errors, even if it includes me."
The TRUTH's Business Correspondent, reporting from inside the pocket of the Director, was told:
"I will certainly not be receiving a pay rise this year - my salary will remain at a reasonable 9-figure level."
Questioned on his motives for his martyrdom, he replied:
"I want all M&S employees to know this organisation is thoroughly a level playing-field.
"If business leaders including myself totally fuck up the market, and you all lose your jobs and starve to death, rest assured that I'll have to postpone my plans for a new beach mansion in the Bahamas all the way to next year.
"That's right: everybody will be making sacrifices - I'll only be able to buy my wife one luxury yacht for her birthday.
"It's right that the whole of this company takes the fall for my errors, even if it includes me."
Sunday 4 January 2009
This Really is Big Brother
Yes, it's that time of year again. The insidious spectre of Celebrity Big Brother has dawned upon us, and so we duly wheel out a bunch of Z-list, money-hungry wannabes to degrade themselves for their latest publicity fix.
That's right: we'll have to endure another three weeks of press about the pseudo-social-experiment fronted by a selection of inarticulate goons such as the faceless shit-for-brains Davina McCall and numerous other yes-men to present the show's even sicker sister, Big Brother's Big Mouth.
As broadcasting antitheses go, it's one of the most ironic; Channel 4 has yet again proven its ability to go from the sublime to the ridiculous. A mere few days separated the honourable televising of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Christmas message, which certainly defies the usually indefatigable media bias over Iran, and this worryingly twisted charade, which would probably even manage to depoliticise Chomsky's skull.
The other irony is the show's Orwellian theme. The programme takes the role of a dictatorship, with uniformly-voiced cretins neck deep in mauvais foi as they deliberately recite commands to feign the running of a mini-autocracy.
But they're not just pretending. This show is part of an autocracy, and it's called British society. We're swallowing propaganda every night from 10-11 at a time when we should be paying attention to the real news more than ever, with the economy and two of our overseas wars teetering on the brink (not to mention the rest of the world). The timing couldn't be more convenient - for the government, who've doubtless wined-and-dined a number of C4 leaders to exactly that end (I'm trusting the Private Eye will confirm my suspicions and cover this in eyeTV next issue).
It gets worse. The directors of Big Brother can sport another badge of depravity this series, having roped in the less-than-3-foot-tall actor Verne Troyer, just to add to the freakshow atmosphere. He tries in vain to be seen for what he is - a normal person - whilst the cameras point down at him alone inordinately, as if he's some sort of circus-act.
As for the contestants themselves, including plastic-faced whore Ulrika Jonsson, the fiery Solidarity Party leader Tommy Sheridan - perhaps the show's one facet of political realism - and many other no-hopers, they'd pay to watch the Ricky Gervais' rant on their performance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-LDAjb-ZVs).
That's right: we'll have to endure another three weeks of press about the pseudo-social-experiment fronted by a selection of inarticulate goons such as the faceless shit-for-brains Davina McCall and numerous other yes-men to present the show's even sicker sister, Big Brother's Big Mouth.
As broadcasting antitheses go, it's one of the most ironic; Channel 4 has yet again proven its ability to go from the sublime to the ridiculous. A mere few days separated the honourable televising of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Christmas message, which certainly defies the usually indefatigable media bias over Iran, and this worryingly twisted charade, which would probably even manage to depoliticise Chomsky's skull.
The other irony is the show's Orwellian theme. The programme takes the role of a dictatorship, with uniformly-voiced cretins neck deep in mauvais foi as they deliberately recite commands to feign the running of a mini-autocracy.
But they're not just pretending. This show is part of an autocracy, and it's called British society. We're swallowing propaganda every night from 10-11 at a time when we should be paying attention to the real news more than ever, with the economy and two of our overseas wars teetering on the brink (not to mention the rest of the world). The timing couldn't be more convenient - for the government, who've doubtless wined-and-dined a number of C4 leaders to exactly that end (I'm trusting the Private Eye will confirm my suspicions and cover this in eyeTV next issue).
It gets worse. The directors of Big Brother can sport another badge of depravity this series, having roped in the less-than-3-foot-tall actor Verne Troyer, just to add to the freakshow atmosphere. He tries in vain to be seen for what he is - a normal person - whilst the cameras point down at him alone inordinately, as if he's some sort of circus-act.
As for the contestants themselves, including plastic-faced whore Ulrika Jonsson, the fiery Solidarity Party leader Tommy Sheridan - perhaps the show's one facet of political realism - and many other no-hopers, they'd pay to watch the Ricky Gervais' rant on their performance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-LDAjb-ZVs).
Interest Rates to Hit Record Low
A Bank of England spokesperson confirmed last night that the extent to which the banking system was working in the public interest was at an all-time low.
The message was given amidst widespread speculation that Mervyn King will announce another drop in interest rates this week.
"It's official. We bankers just do not give a shit about anything other than lining their own pockets.
"If we keep our interest nice and low then maybe the problem will fix itself.
"The most important thing is that everybody stays calm, and doesn't demand ridiculous and rash measures like better financial regulation.
"The public can rest assured that while they lose their jobs and homes and their family starves on the street, our bonuses will remain absolutely untouched."
The message was given amidst widespread speculation that Mervyn King will announce another drop in interest rates this week.
"It's official. We bankers just do not give a shit about anything other than lining their own pockets.
"If we keep our interest nice and low then maybe the problem will fix itself.
"The most important thing is that everybody stays calm, and doesn't demand ridiculous and rash measures like better financial regulation.
"The public can rest assured that while they lose their jobs and homes and their family starves on the street, our bonuses will remain absolutely untouched."
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