No Shit, Sherlock

"Watson..." Sherlock whispered, a sharp chill running up his spine, "I think I've just had an awful realisation."

Something terrible had dawned upon him; for his thitherto radiant countenance had been subdued and drained of colour, and his voice trembled with dread. He was pacing back and forth, mumbling under his breath - the room had turn icy-cold; and every word Sherlock uttered forth emanated in a cloud of dank vapour.

"What is it, Sir?" enquired Watson.

"Watson - it's GCSE Science. I've been taking a look at the documents... Writing poetry to MPs; swallowing propaganda about Global Warming: I've got a terrible feeling this isn't rigorous." He drew in a deep breath, and mustered all the courage in his soul. "Watson - I think GCSE Science has been dumbed down."

"Sir - it can't be true! Tell me it's not true, sir; tell me it's not true!!"

Sherlock grabbed him by the shoulders. "Pull yourself together man! You must stay strong." He shivered with alarm. "They must not know about this - this will tear the nation in two - this kind of revelation - there'll be riots on the streets - people just will not believe it!"

Watson was crippled with incredulity. "No. No. It just can't be true. I won't accept it."

"Watson! This is our chance to stand as men. Faced with the Absurd, the despair, the bottomless pit of doom, we must stand and be counted. Yes, GCSE Science has lost its value; yes, this might mean the end of the world as we know it. But let one thing be remembered: the world will know that few stood against many; this day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny and usher in a future brighter than anything we can imagine. " He stood up, straightened, resolved.

"TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL!!!!!!!"

Abortion Adverts

The Truth is delighted to confirm that several of the new abortion advertisements will be placed in the newspaper in the next few days. Samples can be found below.


Trying to win your town's slag of the year prize, but pregnancies getting in your way?

Tired with condoms spoiling your sexual experience, or too lazy and cheap to take the pill?

The Baby Buster from JML is just the ticket!!! Simply insert the specially crafted rusty hook into your womb and dismember the growing life at your convenience. Dispose of that irritating infant with ease. Discounts available for twins or multiple terminations!!!

And now: do away with that screaming foetus with the all-new Baby Bin, also from JML!! Operating on a 10 million RPM shredding capacity, the Baby Bin will turn that annoying child into a mound of congealed goo in seconds!!

Special aftercare is also available from our specially trained experts, such as Mr. C Hook, pictured here!

Comment: An Apology

The Truth would like to apologise for the insensitivity of its coverage of the career of Jade Goody.

Headlines such as "Burn in Hell you racist bitch" and "Goody to be buried at sea ... after we finish pissing on her grave, that is" may have given the impression that her public demeanour was in the slightest reprehensible.

We unreservedly regret these unfounded and overzealous comments, and offer our most groveling condolences to Jade's boys, and also to her sons.

Jade Goody has made a profound and admirable contribution to the public good, including manifold instances of vitriolic bigotry and numerous sleazy dance videos. She has also been a prolific actress, starring in wondrous productions such as "Jabe: Pig in the City".

We wish Jade's family all the best after such a tragic loss as they continue to count their millions.


In other news: 24,000 people died of hunger today.



(On a decidedly less satirical note, I'd actually like to offer a genuine apology for my lack of posting this month. I aim to post 2-3 times every week; but an increasingly busy schedule has temporarily derailed this ambition. Sorry!)

Antrim Shootings Condemned

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has vociferously condemned shootings by dissident Republicans in Northern Ireland in which two British soldiers were killed.

The incident took place outside Massereene barracks in co. Antrim at around 9.30pm on Saturday evening.

The PM said the following:

"I'm outraged by the cowardly killing of these two young men who had their whole career of raping and pillaging in Iraq to look forward to.

"This was an example of ruthlessly cold-blooded murder, which is, of course, morally distinct from the Army's heroic practice in the War on Terror.

"Anyway, I'm off to meet Nelson Mandela."

Martin McGuiness MP also spoke out against the perpetrators, saying:

"I don't support the IRA anymore . . . I'm just a Sinn Fein representative.

"Violence is, like, totally last season, brothers."